


Until your breathing stops

by kizaten



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Blood, Dads of Marmora (Voltron), Galra have hearts, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, I love Sven, I love Thace, M/M, Not yet but keep an eye to it, Pining, Shiro the Hero, Victory or death, and Ulaz, it doesn't matter they're both death, the voltron show
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 04:04:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 36,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13732770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kizaten/pseuds/kizaten
Summary: Shiro had always been the one to make him push further, to try harder and to prove who he was. He was the closest person to him, always supportive and relieving. The one to make him laugh, the one he could trust to if he wanted to complain, even cry, his comfort... Shiro knew him best. There were times in when Keith felt Shiro could see things on him he didn't know himself. Shiro was everything he had.The next sigh came out scratching his throat.





	1. I need that dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Behold the angst. I love angst and I hope I can portray that as the history goes on.

_Sigh_. It had been a long time since he'd ended a day standing in front of his door and sighing before stepping in. Keith was familiar to this feeling, tiredness, sore muscles... so broken inside the only thing he could do was sighing. The sensation of not even wanting to peel off his clothes to find how wounds stained his skin, the desire to just drop himself in bed and let sleep heal it all wasn't something he was foreign too either. But he knew it was different this time, he couldn't just do things that way, he couldn't take his time to stay immobile, turn his bed into a cocoon and hope for the hours to tick by to make all this feel lighter, at least easier to push it to the back of his head. 

 

They didn't even have time for this in first place but he insisted so much... This wasn't Garrison where he could call in sick and stay locked in his dorm the entire week if he felt like it, nor the emptiness of the shack where no one would be expecting him to move in first place. This wasn't even the Earth to begin with. 

 

Time wasn't something he could waste so easily. He was a paladin of Voltron now, he was part of a team and in the middle of a war.

 

At least he was when he left the ship and piloted Red through the one and only impossibly safe route to the centre of two black holes. 

 

He felt like he was someone completely different when they came back. 

 

Someone who could sigh as much as needed.

 

Keith took another step, the door closed behind him and held him still in the darkness of the room that wasn't really that big. It just felt like it because of the emptiness. That was another fair reason to sigh.

 

He had left the armour where he was supposed to. It had been an incredible task to take it off by himself, but he managed. His limbs weren't as heavy as they felt now, drained from adrenaline and shock and soaking with an incredibly uncomfortable sensation. It felt like the room, huge, dark, empty... He knew what was in there, of course he did, but he still felt lost just by standing there. Standing...

 

 

He breathed in, slower than how he'd usually do. His eyes blinked, delaying as well. He could see it, briefly behind his eyelids but clear as it had been before. The glowing blade changing in his hold. The expression of the ones in that room. Shiro standing again and shocked by his intended sacrifice. Allura's face when they came back along with Kolivan.

 

Still, what would be the most difficult thing to take out of his mind was the conclusion of it. If he had been capable of awakening the sword that meant he had Galran blood running on him. 

 

Galra.

 

His legs felt about to give up, he needed to hold on to something, he needed to rest as long as their situation allowed him to. He wished for sleep to erase all this, even when he knew it was impossible. Nothing could ever do it. 

 

 

_You should be satisfied, it was what you wanted after all. Earn knowledge. Avoid death._

 

 

Being Galra felt really close to earning death.

 

 

He could imagine how the rest would go on after this. The silence whenever he walked into the Castle's command hall. The looks from the top of the training deck. All the hard work to bond with the team would go to waste as soon as they knew this, for sure... Allura had already started to turn her face from him.

 

Keith took another couple of hesitant steps, he'd have to reject the temptation to just drop in bed as he first thought and kept walking. He miraculously made it to the bathroom's door, which sled open with the same buzzing speed as the front door of his room. This time, he turned the lights on, though getting hit by the intensity of the withe light  in that smaller space wasn't really a sensation he could easily welcome. He kept his eyes shut for a while, making up his mind before opening them. Once he did, the first thing he saw before him wasn't an uplifting image at all.

 

The visual confirmation of his state made his legs tremble again, he held on to the sink and kept his eyes glued into the ones that looked back at him from the mirror. Better looking at the only thing that wasn't beaten up as the rest of him. Even though the suit was practically glued to him and the black fabric covered his body entirely, the darker stains on it gave him an idea of what was underneath. As if experience wasn't enough to fill those blanks. Putting the armour on as soon as he peeled the trail's suit from him had been  proof of his wish to deny what had happened, but it was clear it had been a mistake. A terrible one.

 

He was hurt, obviously, but there was so much more that simple word couldn't cover up for. 

 

Keith complained, both in pain and tiredness. He let go of the sink and tried his best to move his hands to the back of his neck and unzip the suit so he could take it off, but it was useless. It wasn't as easy as it had been right after the trial was over, adrenaline had been replaced by weakness, and that self-consciousness wasn't rushing him now without Shiro and Kolivan looking. Piloting Red back to the Castle hadn't been difficult, he wanted to go back as soon as possible so pain didn't cross his mind at all. This time, though, he couldn't even move his arm up without pain striking the nerves underneath his skin. 

He hissed, even his spine felt weaker. Keith tried again, making an effort to at least hold the zipper, but there was no way he could do such thing. He screamed, his voice filled the bathroom and sunk deeper into his wounds, forcing him to place his hands on the sink once more. Gasping, he closed his eyes and felt the wound as if it had been re-made. Blood sled down his back, his shoulder... It was awful.

 

"Shit"

 

Shit. Shit. Shit.

 

Keith wasn't the only one in the Castle, the others were probably in their rooms trying to rest, he couldn't just shout like that. He couldn't help it, he knew it... There was something forcing him to keep it down, pressing his throat tight and reminding him to be discrete. Guilt. 

 

He never felt guilty of being wounded before. But he hadn't been part of the race that threatened his team's -and the whole universe's- safety before. Scratch that, he had been, he just didn't know. Every breath he took in managed to become guilt since the moment the trial finished, it just got more and more intense until this moment. He couldn't pull it back now. Guilt filled his lungs, burned his eyes and made his limbs weaker. 

 

He knew he had to accept it if he wanted the team to do so as well, he had to be the one to just acknowledge it and show them it was something they could get over. But it felt so unreal it was hard to imagine he could do it. 

 

He couldn't breathe. His throat felt dry and tight as he gasped for air. Anxiety. Fear...

 

_Calm down. There's no need to freeze, you need to get this done..._

 

It wasn't an easy task at all. Keith's lungs felt smaller, lazy to take all the air inside and reluctant to take it out. It was suffocating, he couldn't move, he couldn't see, he couldn't stand this...

And then he came in.

 

Keith never noticed the door of his room opening again, nor the voice calling for him outside of the bathroom's door, he didn't notice he wasn't alone anymore until the voice was clear behind him. Pulling him from all that pressure for just a second to acknowledge it. To find him. To allow himself to need him...

 

"Don't force yourself, I'll help you up" Shiro told him. Keith did't even realize when he fell down, but he wouldn't reject his help. 

Keith stayed as silent as pain allowed him to. He rested against the sink, thankful for the extra support of Shiro's hands on him. Being touched didn't hurt as much as he first thought. 

"You should get into the healing pod." 

Keith shook his head. 

"I just want to wash it and sleep." His reply was weak, he hadn't really talked for a while and his voice was harsh.

It was because of exhaustion, maybe the lack of air, the way his head felt heavier than usual... But he couldn't bring himself to look at Shiro's eyes. 

 

 "Keith..." 

 

His mind made him think it was almost as those times back at Garrison's once more, Shiro pulling him out of a fight and trying to convince him to stop being stubborn and treat himself. He wouldn't push him to ask for someone else's help unless it was needed, Shiro respected his boundaries and ways. But this hadn't been like any fight he'd gotten into at Garrison's and they both knew it. 

 

Keith tried to move his hands to the zipper again, slower and making his best not to worry his friend more than he already was. Of course, he failed. Neither his voice nor his weakened arms could mask the pain he was in as he moved.

 

At least it gave Shiro the hint to help him without having to ask for it. 

"I'll do it." Shiro muttered, his voice sounded clear with the echo of the room, even when it was obvious it was lowered by worry. 

Keith held on to the sink, trying to stay still as Shiro's hands moved behind his neck to unzip the bodysuit. The feeling of the fabric releasing his skin, the air hitting his back and the wound made it all come back to him. Shiro peeled the suit from him, fixing it slightly further down his arms, just enough to uncover his shoulders. That was enough to see what the trials did to him. No filter, it was all there, raw... Keith didn't dare to look up from his hands, still covered with black stretching fabric and holding to the edge of the sink. 

 

The soft gasp from Shiro's mouth was enough to build a neat image of how hopeless he might look. 

 

"Keith this... I need to take you to the infirmary" 

Shiro insisted. It was bad. He already knew it was bad... But there was no way he'd go there. Healing alone inside a strange pod, using the Castle's energy. Allura's energy... 

He couldn't ask for such a thing.

 

"There's no time for that. Just need to clean it and then I'll sleep..." Keith repeated himself. 

Shiro sighed. 

Keith tried to turn and head to the shower and turn it on, but Shiro didn't let him move. Before he could react, Shiro was supporting him again, keeping him up and with his eyes fixed on him. Keith couldn't move his sight past Shiro's arm.

"You're shaking." Shiro's voice pointed out, Keith didn't notice it before. Luckily Shiro was there.

 

He had always been so lucky to have Shiro with him. 

 

 "I'll help you wash it, but you still have to take proper care of it Keith, it is..." Shiro kept talking, closer to his leader-ish tone, but it was still so full of concern and just the same intimate tone it wasn't easy to play along with it. It was not an order, it was closer to a suggestion. Persuasion.

 

Shiro guided him. He helped him to roll the suit off him, leaving it around his waist so they could wash his upper body. 

 

Water. The droplets hitting his skin weren't rough, they sled over the bruises without taking any shade of them off. So many hits he couldn't count, he wasn't even sure how many of the kicks and falls he took had saturated each bruise. The only thing that was obviously hurting him was the pass of water over the open wound. Water went in deep, sliding out with the colour of the blood that didn't manage to dry on this time. 

 

Keith didn't move, his feet felt heavy, the rest of him needed Shiro's support.

His eyes blinked as the water drops fell from his eyelashes, his eyes and head moved further on the image of Shiro in front of him. His hands holding him in place, his chest, his arms. His arm...

 

Shiro's prosthetic hand was out of sight, yet he could feel it on his head, so careful it made a big contrast with how deadly he knew it was. Keith closed his eyes, tired of fighting water drops, of pulling his impulse back, tired of everything. He allowed himself to get soothed by the touch of water, of Shiro's hand. He gave in, weakened and small, letting the taller paladin guide him and finally accepting to lean on him. His head fit perfectly under Shiro's chin, allowing Keith to rest his forehead close to the other's shoulder. 

His throat still felt tight, everything seemed to squeeze inside of him but he'd made his best to ignore it.

 

But the simple feeling of those firm cold fingers in his scalp reminded him lots of things. It anchored him to the moment, but so it did to Shiro. Shiro's arm and how the year he was a prisoner had been for him. 

 

Shiro had been alone when the Galra took everything from him. 

 

How could he feel now that he knew Keith was part of the race that broke him?

 

 

 

Secondhand guilt crawled up his spine and stopped him form breathing. 

 

 

"It's ok." Shiro whispered. "You can take as much as this needs so you get better, just let me help you. We all want to help you."

  

Keith kept quiet. He made his best to stop himself from overthinking things again, he wanted to let go and wash all this so they could keep on working for the cause they were into. It worked for as long as the shower lasted. He didn't even dare to open his eyes until Shiro decided it had been enough and the water stopped.

Getting into clean clothes was easier than trying by himself, and by the time he was back into the pitch darkness of his dorm he didn't feel as torn as before. Yes, it still hurt, but tiredness was greater than pain in his head. He sighed again, Shiro laughed. It was nice to hear him laugh. It was nice to have his help when in need. It was good to have him back.

 

Shiro had always been the one to make him push further, to try harder and to prove who he was. He was the closest person to him, always supportive and relieving. The one to make him laugh, the one he could trust to if he wanted to complain, even cry, his comfort... Shiro knew him best. There were times when Keith felt Shiro could see things about him he didn't know himself. Shiro was everything he had. 

  

 The next sigh came out scratching his throat.

 

It had been a long since the last time he had that Shiro with him, the Kerberos mission, then Voltron. Did their relationship change because of that? Keith could tell he'd still do anything for Shiro, he had been willing to give up the knife even after he had been so stubborn and reluctant to do so and decided to take the trial instead... 

 

And in the middle of it, Shiro turned his back on him. He called him selfish and left, leaving him without another word. 

 

 

Keith laid in bed and Shiro sat on the edge, helping him and making sure he was alright. Even with the darkness around them, he could feel his eyes on his. It was a vivid experience, as though every nerve on him had registered that look and there was no need of lights to get that.

Now he couldn't forget how it felt back during the trial.

 

He felt hollow, a black hole making twists inside of him. Was that what Shiro thought of him? What he really felt? Even when he came to help him, even when he was glad to see him first when he woke up after exhaustion made him pass out, at that moment he sounded more like a leader than like the Shiro he knew. He had been so cold, distant, but at the same time, full of knowledge of them both...

 

"Are you staying?" He heard himself ask. His voice was harsh and dry, noticeably tired. 

"For a while."

Keith nodded. They still had a lot to do. 

 

Fear. He felt his heart race with adrenaline, fear was an emotion he knew very well. After more than a year carrying it behind his back, he could recognise those shivers easier than anything else. It was stupid, but he was afraid of Shiro leaving. He wasn't ready yet to see him turn and leave. Again. 

 

The only thing he had wanted all this time was to have him back. 

 

Just as fear was making his blood rush, tiredness paralysed him. It took him without warning and made it impossible for him to move, or keep his eyes open. Keith called for him, but his eyelids and body had already given up. He wasn't even sure if his voice managed to come out or not. He tried as hard as he could, but he was even spacing out. He could hear Shiro speak, his voice reverberating in the air around them, how it felt, strong and neat, yet so gentle... But he couldn't understand half of the things he was saying...

 

Shiro told him he was worried. Something about taking time. That he would get well. No rush. Something about the team. They will understand. You're the same.

Keith felt cold, dizzy... At the end, there was nothing that could pull him back from sleep. It had been one of the toughest missions they had, it took all his energy and left him defeated. His body wasn't answering, his mind was absorbing him. It had been long since the last time he had become aware of how heavy was sadness. How hard it was to breathe.

That night it all came back to him and he couldn't fight it back. Shiro left him alone at some point, that was obvious. He fell asleep. And friendship felt strangely alien for him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It's been a while since I wrote anything. Specially like this. Yet, Voltron had hit me so strong I just couldn't stay like that, and now that we're just a week away from season 5 I hope for it to bring new stuff I can work with. 
> 
> I really like to take things slowly, so this will build up smoothly. Don't worry, flowers will come soon (haha) I feel like this is really longer than it would be but... If it's for setting a mood then it's fine.
> 
> Thanks for reading, kudos and specially if you leave comments! I think there must be one or two, or a couple of hundred of typos I'd have to change so, if you spot them and want to help, please do it!


	2. In a little more light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Several breaks.  
> It's getting there.

One of the most obvious things about space was that nothing was the same as it was on Earth. Even when the Castle seemed to provide them with all the commodities they could ask, and a few more they couldn't even came to imagine by themselves, there were some essential things that were not only different but impossible to achieve. 

 

At first, eating was a nightmare. Moving was a little bit heavier than it was on Earth. But sleeping... It was the strangest of those things. It wasn't like they couldn't, or that they didn't get tired, piloting with huge amounts of stress on theirs backs could get anyone exhausted. It was the time.

 

Time on Earth was different, one could look up to the sky or down to the shadows on the floor and figure out how late it was. The soft blue hue of the night fading to morning through the windows was a mere memory now, such a small detail no one would usually notice, what to say about missing it, the way the sun seemed to burn brighter just before falling behind the horizon and leaving the darkness extend limitless on the desert. 

 

The ending of a day with the pitch black sky. The beginning of a new one with the chill of the morning light...

 

When Keith woke up, it was dark and cold... but he couldn't even tell how long he had slept. Things came to his mind one by one, solid, pilling up one on other. This wasn't his bed. This wasn't even a bed. He was standing and something let go of him. He was falling forward, still too tired to react and stop it.

Someone was catching him.

 

The slow peace for things to come was over, the sound, lights and air hit him at the same time, along with the warmth of the body holding him up, that voice asking him something, the scent... Keith pressed his eyes before finally willingly opening them. 

 

"Keith?" Shiro called for him.

 

Keith's eyes were having trouble to adjust to everything but he was conscious again. 

 

"Keith, can you hear me?"

 

"I..." His voice sounded harsh again, his throat felt dry and he wasn't really sure about Shiro listening to him. "I'm fine..."

 

He could hear Shiro sigh in relief as he tried to stand by himself. His legs felt stiff and actually pretty weak, but he was sure numbness would fade once he'd get used to carry himself up. Shiro supported him all the time, his arms stayed in position in case he'd need to help Keith once he tried to get to an upright standing, but there wasn't really need for that. 

The room was wide and cold as always, but now that they were the only ones in there, it felt even more spacious than before. It wasn't like he expected anyone else to be there, though it gave him a strange sensation of loneliness he couldn't brush off that easily. The worst part was not knowing if this was because of his recently discovered nature or the fact that he already knew about time. 

 

_War is still going out there. We don't have time for this._

 

 

"I told you I didn't need the healing pod" And even when Keith had tried to speak louder, his voice didn't seem to answer to his command, it was no more than a whisper, managing to get stronger with the echo of the infirmary. 

 

"I wouldn't let you stay like that." Shiro replied, he had probably thought on this before Keith would wake up. "There was enough time for those wounds to heal while we discussed with Kolivan how to proceed. I brought your clothes, I can help you if you want me to."

Keith shook his head as he was already heading to the black bodysuit Shiro brought for him to wear. There was no need of that now, he was supposed to be better after the time inside the healing pod. He wouldn't take more of his time when the others were still waiting for him.  

 

"Kolivan came here about three hours ago." Shiro spoke, the tone in his voice was too tired to be a leader. He sighed and lent on the control panel at the centre of the room, right where Keith was struggling with the clothes. "The Blades and him already had a plan, but it just changing as we talked. I still can't believe all the ideas they had!" 

A part of him wanted to convince himself Shiro was just using this as a break, that he had had enough of that amount of pressure while talking with Kolivan and Allura and that this would help him to calm down. Another tried to convince himself to take this and enjoy it as an usual friendly talk, just a reminder of the relationship they had before, that they could come and complain with the other whenever they had rough days and it would be all right. There was also this part saying Shiro wanted to keep an eye on him... not just because of plain worry, but fear.

That thought pressed his head and made it hard for him to breathe. 

 

_No. That's not how it is. Not with him..._

 

 "I'll catch you guys up there." Keith replied, trying to dismiss Shiro. "They're waiting for you."

 

 Shiro fell silent, his eyes fixed on him. He sighed. Shiro walked to him and moved his hand to lay on his shoulder. It burnt stronger that it usually did. Shiro's eyes seemed to be way deeper than they usually were. Tiredness, it is... For sure.

 

 "Good." Shiro's voice echoed around them, though it felt clearer inside Keith's head. "Take your time, there's no rush." 

After the subtle buzz of the door, he left.

 

 Keith was impressed of being still standing on his own again. 

 

* * *

 

 

The meeting went faster than he first thought. With all the discussion made, the only matter was to make clear all the phases of this plan so it could work neatly. Kolivan was clear enough, even Lance could understand it, and in fact, he had been quite good to resume everything before leaving. 

Still, Keith felt sick. 

The glares, the complications inside the team, it all made him got more nervous than the mission itself did. 

He never felt this anxious on his way to the Lions deck. He hadn't felt that consciously how heavy loneliness felt until he stood there, looking at the team shaking hands and wishing well one to another. Allura's new constant disdain drawing lines between them, the other paladins' cautiousness delaying any comment. And then Shiro came to him, with his arms opened as always. Shiro with his soothing touch and encouraging words. Just as needed and yet... too brief.

Keith had never needed to stay longer in that embrace as he did now, but he couldn't do it.

 

 _T_ _here was no time_.

 

They got into their Lions, and looking at Red from Yellow's open mouth squeezed his chest a bit. The relief he could get from piloting would have to wait this time. Instead, he felt trapped inside the wide cockpit of the Yellow Lion, pressed against the space behind the pilot's seat and getting more and more self-conscious with Hunk's questions, until it stopped hurting.

In fact, talking with him like that made things easier for him too. He couldn't explain a lot of things, and that Hunk shook them off that easily helped him see this thing of him being Galra could be less serious than it felt a few hours ago. Hunk was right about Allura, she had history with the Galra and it would be really hard for her to leave those thoughts away when facing him, but he didn't. The team didn't. 

 

Excepting Shiro. 

 

Keith knew overthinking it would only make it harder for him to focus on what they had to do so he had to stop. It would be already complicated enough without the entire information Koran said the video would give. There was no need to make this worse.

 

The faster they could get the scaultrite, the sooner they would be back.

 

Keith swallowed down those thoughts and left them for later, but doing it felt rougher than it would usually do. 

It also felt different once they left the Lion, even with the helmet on and all, every time he took a breath it felt dusty in his throat. It might be because of whatever the weblum had inside, it may be finding it's way into the helmet and scratching his neck from the inside. Maybe it was thirst. 

 

It wasn't something he had to worry in first place, not with all the bacteria inside the worm's body chasing after them, the acid around, the way they had to guess what to do next. Not after getting separated and finding another ship inside the weblum. A Galra ship, with the pilot still on board.

He wouldn't worry, but he couldn't stop the uncomfortable way it pricked whenever he breathed in, making him clear his throat or swallow in order to soothe the dryness. He couldn't stop those little distractions, those tinny lapses in which his mind reminded him all those thoughts he tried to avoid at the moment. The sight of the Galra he helped made him think of himself, of Allura and of Shiro as well. And the soreness crawled up to his mouth again, cutting his breath briefly, making him feel aware of time or what they were doing once again and it went on and on like that. He usually tried his best to clear every mission, but there were these things making him feel uneasy out of the blue.

He tried all the time, but failed. He wasn't ready to admit it yet but he was aware how he usually ended up doing things that weren't as planed, or not even discussed because of a feeling. Because something made him uneasy.

Escaping to know if the Galra were tracking him, even when it meant a getting the team in danger. Taking the blade to Marmora's base even when they asked them to be unarmed because he couldn't sleep without the proper answers. Fighting Zarkon to give Shiro time to leave.

Shiro. Lately, it was always him. Even since before, the things that always got into his nerves were always related to him someway. Like the extremely uneasy rage that pilot error announcement gave him that got him kicked out of the Garrison. Breaking in to save Shiro a year after that. Convincing the Black Lion to let him pilot it as his last resort to save Shiro.

 

It was because of Shiro most of the times... it seemed to be the case again right then. 

Even when he wasn't even involved in this mission, when he probably wasn't even aware of it, he couldn't leave his mind. Shiro could make him calm with just a single look, but the thought of him could also bring all his worries to crawl up and tie his throat like nothing else could. 

And that thought flashed in his head more than he could like to admit. 

 

 

How does something that could make him feel so on ease could bring such a strong anxiety at the same time?

 

 

Keith could hear Hunk calling him, trying to think on what they could do to get the scaultrite, but he couldn't come with proper answers. He couldn't speak. Air was thick, raw and sharp as it moved to his lungs. Something was wrong. At least the mission could be saved, he knew Hunk would be clever enough to figure out what to do, how to make the weblum produce the thing they were looking for. There would be no need for him to speak, Keith hoped.

 

The only thing they needed to do was avoid getting fried by the laser and then collect the solid scaultrite from the weblum's glands. It sounded easier than the entire thing of avoid getting killed by the bacteria, or the Galra he found. At least for them from the inside of the weblum, it sounded like Hunk had a rougher time provoking the worm to shoot. Still, tension kept pressing him, squeezing him.

 

Once the fluid was crystallised and they only had to take it into their bags, Keith wanted to hurry. He was sure there was something wrong with the armour and the way air felt, he was too  focused on that to mind the Galra, too tired to try and fight him. He used his help just as him used theirs, the Galra soldier took one bag and flew out by his own. 

Keith asked Hunk to pick him up and was the only thing he could phrase before the pricking sensation in the walls of his throat forced him to cough a couple of times. 

 

* * *

 

One thing Keith had to admit was how relieving it had been to pilot by himself instead of just standing behind Hunk's seat avoiding questions when he'd rather be avoiding asteroids or something like that. Red's cockpit was all he needed at that moment, a space for himself to try and catch his breath. A place where he could surround himself with the important things: the cause, their link as a team, the challenge they were facing. Piloting and fighting were the only things he needed to think of. 

 

Dodge, shoot. Form Voltron. 

 

Them as a team. Himself as a piece of something bigger. 

That was the only thing that mattered right then. He didn't even think on how he couldn't breath before, how he couldn't stop himself from getting lost in useless thoughts. There was no time for that, and proof was right there, while they fought a creature for the second time near Valmera's atmosphere. They didn't even got a moment to take a break after collecting Scaultrite when they had to get into another fight. 

 

It is exhausting, it's though and yet it is thrilling to him. Piloting such a powerful ship must be what he's made for after all. Fighting along this team must be where he should be.

 

* * *

 

 

He's not the only one out of breath by the time they're back at the Castle. They're all tired, begging for a moment of calm and eager to land on Olkarion to at least stretch and breathe and walk around something less mechanic than the ships they've been trapped. But he's the only one who's not welcomed back. He's the only one to receive a glare instead of an encouraging congratulation. 

 

It shouldn't hurt, but it does. 

 

He's the first one to go to his room and the first one to go out for a walk when they touch the ground.

 

Olkarion had a lot of things he had missed, even when the splendid green of the woods around the city is not even close to the dry endless  of the dessert he knew so well it managed to create an earthling like atmosphere it was easy to relate to. Back then at the Earth, he used to drive when he wanted to calm, but he could walk right now and he was sure it would feel quite the same. In fact, it did. 

 

He found some peace and quiet under the trees' shadows.

Yet, it seemed like he wasn't the only one wanting it.

 

"Did you get lost?" Keith asked, making a relaxed looking Shiro to open his eyes. 

Shiro was sitting with his back pressed to the trunk of one of those impossibly tall trees. He turned to face Keith and offered him a brief smile as he got closer to where he was. He sighed and stretched his legs. Keith sat down beside him, taking a deep breath and letting it take over his lungs. It was nice to do such thing during, they rarely had chances to surround themselves with nature.

 

"I wanted to be as far away from Slav as possible." Shiro replied with a tired tone he hadn't hear in a while. It wasn't good that he was tired, but it felt familiar again.

Like it used to be before the whole Kerberos mission. 

Keith could understand that he wanted to have some time. The little he spent near Slav had been enough to make sure he didn't really want anymore. Since Shiro had been directly involved in the rescue it was obvious he'd felt so much more than just done. Not only about Slav, but the way things seemed to rush since they'd found an ally on the Blade of Marmora. 

 

...There's no time... But now they had some.

 

"How did it went?" Keith asked. He had left the Castle wanting to have a little break for himself, a little bit of calm and silence, but he could still find said peace sharing his time with Shiro.

"I don't want to do anything like that again." He said with a bitter frown. "I'm glad it's over and Slav's staying here."

"Until the Teludav it's done."

"He's not flying with me, not in this nor any reality."

Keith laughed, it felt natural, like breathing out. Laughing had been something he didn't know how much he had been missing. Specially since the last time he could be like this with Shiro they were both stranded in an unknown planet, wounded and totally confused. But now it was lighter. Shiro smiled, his irritation leaving as Keith's laughter went on.

A sigh sealed it and silence came back with the soothing peace of wind waves.

 

Keith closed his eyes, focusing only on the sounds around them. It was similar to Earth but not entirely the same. He couldn't hear birds, he could hear the branches moving but could swear they did by their own... It felt like things he didn't know would possibly be alive without a doubt were here. He was sure the tree they were resting against moved, that the branches changed their position and that the grass underneath seemed to seek for their warmth.

 

Space was different and no way easy to predict.

 

"Allura is pretending I don't exist." Keith phrased after a long comforting silence. He was still tense about that and couldn't help but try to find some kind of confirmation, another point of view about the situation. He was sure Shiro must help him clear this out, offer some guidance and pull him back to focus on the important things as he desperately tried to by his own. Think on the mission, think on the plan, think on the war. _Think beyond yourself._

 

"Give her time. We're all trying to balance these things" Shiro replied tiredly. "First thing we heard when this all begun was how Galra had made this war so fierce. We've seen it, got way to close to what they're doing and suffered it. But we also knew you. It's hard for her to think about that separately. She knows Galra better than she knows you and I think she's way too hurt to see beyond that."

There was something strange in his voice, at least it felt like that for Keith. Shiro was talking about what they, as a team, had seen and learnt, but his history was different. His experience wasn't something Keith could ignore at all. He was impressed by how easily Hunk seemed to get over this, he still hadn't had a chance to see Pidge's nor Lance's reactions, but they didn't seem as reluctant to let him in as Allura was. 

The Galra took Allura's family and entire race. The Galra broke Shiro. 

He was right when he talked about balance, Allura had more reasons to hate them than any of them did. 

 

"I don't want this to get in the way our team works."

 

 "It's already making you think it is different, right?" Shiro asked. Keith froze. "You've been silent, even during our battle earlier. Don't tell me you were not trying to distance yourself when you came here." 

"That's not how it is."

"I think you're forgetting you also need time, Keith."

"We don't have time for this, we need to make our next move!"

"Keith!" He sounded irritated again, that was not what Keith had had in mind when he found him. It was his leader tone, he didn't need to talk to Shiro like this. He needed the Shiro that made him feel safe, not the one to line him up. 

He held his breath. Shiro sighed. 

"What I mean is... We have time now, right?" Shiro tried to connect again, like it happened before when he was weak and needed, he was composed. Just by being there it would be easy for him to make himself clear, he had always managed to make it's way through Keith's ups and downs. "You can try and relax while Slav and Ryner work on the Teludav. It may not be too much, but there's some time. That's why you came here, isn't it?"

 

Keith looked down, then he gave a soft nod. 

 

"You're important for the team. For all of us." Shiro went on. "We're going to face something big and we need to be in our best."

 

This time it was Keith the one to sigh, resting against the trunk once more, closing his eyes and wanting for this to end. Those thoughts he had been fighting since he left the Weblum  were making its way back to him. The solitude, the way Allura looked at him, the way Shiro talked... It had been so impersonal it hurt, it wasn't like before and it wasn't as calming as it could be. Yes, he was right, he'd rather use this time, no mattering how brief it would be, but it lacked the comfort he was seeking. 

It felt like it did when Shiro turned his back to him during the trials. Because of him  being selfish, because of him not thinking on Voltron. As though Shiro wanted him to stay calm so he could be functional and no more. Even when he had been trying to place himself into that train of thought, it took his insides and gripped them tightly. 

The sensation of air getting thin and sharp up his throat and inside his chest came back. He pressed his eyes and tried to push it away, but it was getting hard to breathe again. 

 

_It was always him._

 

 

He heard another sigh and Shiro standing up beside him.

 

"It's almost time to go back, I'm going ahead." Shiro said passing by him.

"I'll go with you" Keith stood up, his throat tightening at the sight of Shiro's back and him walking away. It was sharper, it made air to stop and his throat felt dry. 

Shiro nodded and resumed his way. Keith coughed. He moved his hand to cover his mouth, it wasn't violent but it wasn't a nice sensation either. It may be thirst, he had left the Castle quite a while ago. He joined Shiro and coughed again, he only asked if he was all right, Keith shook it off with his free hand, the other still close his mouth.

He coughed again, and this time felt different. Shiro was already a couple of steps ahead. 

 

Keith wasn't sure where he got the tiny red petal that lied on the palm of his hand.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It came longer than I first expected. And it took longer than I thought. I'm sorry for the waiting but I hope the chapter had made it up for it.  
> As always, comments and kudos are welcome and really really wanted, don't hesitate.


	3. I need more dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I erased this entire chapter more times than I'd like to admit. Hopefully it's the good one now.  
> For those who are still reading from the beginning, it means a lot to me. For those who are joining from now, thank you! 
> 
> //make me proud, chapter//

 

Keith thought love was a burden.

He vaguely remembers his father sitting with him at the shack's porch, his hands caressing his back in soft and calming motion, trying to coax him to get inside. He always came up to pick him like that, as far as he can recall, talking about how much his mother loved them that she had to leave to try and let him know he had to stop waiting for her. She wasn't coming back to them ever again because she loved them.

 

You have to get away from what you love. It hurts. It breaks you and yet, it's something you have to stand because there's nothing like it.

Love is wonderful and requires sacrifice.

 

Love can also hold you back.

 

Love is what made his father disappear as his mother did years before. 

 

Love can kill you.

 

Keith convinced himself he was lucky of not having such thing as love near him.

 

* * *

 

  

 

 He's taken away from the shack. He kept changing homes as he grew, not only leaving the building behind but the entire family that lived in there as well. Keith learn love is not free, people won't give it because a government's notice tells them they have a new member in their family, even though families were supposed to do it. 

It's not easy to make connections like that. It's not easy to keep friendship of any type, Keith wasn't sure of seeing one person twice in his life as all this went on. Somehow, he managed to hold onto something to keep himself focused and let the changes and people around him move like a blur. It's a goal. And he makes it.

 

Galaxy Garrison.

 

It's a miracle. Keith had the abilities to get in but lacked of prestige and wealth. It required a lot of paperwork and audiences, a lot of letters with the same cold words that could support what he repeated over and over again. Keith wants to pilot, he can pilot, he knows enough to enrol into the quarters. It is exhausting, frustrating and consuming. But there's nothing compared to it.

 

Keith couldn't understand why people kept losing their time looking for love when they could be looking forward for this.

 

* * *

 

 The place is immense, bright, filled with voices and beeping. Most important, it's filled with information and ships. Keith could drown himself in piloting lessons, flying methods and precise manoeuvres to practice. It's challenging, it's motivating. Keith spent as much as possible behind the simulator controls, sneaking in the middle of the night so he could do it without any team assigned to get in the cabin with him. Piloting the simulator like this was so much easier than sneaking out to get a real ship and fly it around by his own and Keith knew it, so he had to resign to it.

Attending class wasn't difficult, most of theories could be put into practice and the only thing he needed was to remember the formula to answer certain problem. Talking wasn't really required to achieve decent scores in tests, not even on piloting ones.

This is the only thing that had ever made him feel like that. He's excited, he's anxious of getting more, he's eager to make his best each time so he pours and pours into it. Piloting is what he's made for, it's the only thing he can do. He has to do it as good as possible.

 

 

Keith kept slicing his sleeping schedule, adding the fragments to his night time piloting adventures, he didn't mind at all, no one would notice, no one would ask. 

Until someone does.

 

* * *

 

At first he thought it was because whatever he's doing it's not something a cadet like him is supposed to do. He thought he'd get into the commander's office and listen to a speech about how self control and discipline were the key to make it to something important. Once he's inside said office and the door behind him is closed, once he sees the number of stars hanging in the uniforms of the others inside, once he realises how cramped the room is and how all the eyes are on him, Keith starts to think whatever he has been doing it's illegal.

However, after he's made to sit down and gulp down his nervousness, he's informed that the reason why he has been called in is because whatever he has been doing is unimaginable.

 

The commanders are way too serious to make the conversation feel like what it is meant to be, they're congratulating him and introducing him to the highest officers in the quarter.  They're all impressed, though that doesn't leave them speechless and this whole thing takes a lot of his time. Keith tries to push irritation down, to pretend his honoured and that this is somehow what he's been working to get as he salutes and shakes one strongly gripping hand after another.

 

_Unimaginable._

 

The room seems to have more people inside than it would be thought in first impression, grey uniforms keep shuffling to make their way to face him. They're all about the same, almost identical, until there's a younger face in front of him, a firm grip and a gaze just as strong before him. "I'm Takashi Shirogane, and it was my record the one you just broke." Keith doesn't remember any of words that came after Shirogane let go of his hand and disappeared in the heterogeneous grey mass that Iverson's office has become. 

He's unable to pin point why. Guilt? Pride? There's something strange in the way that introduction refuses to leave his head, specially because those words are the only thing that stays. That evening, once all of this was over, he had trouble to recall anything besides the phrase, the name on it, he can't make his mind remember the sound of the voice who said that, the face, the rank... Nothing.

 

Still, he can't stop thinking on it.

 

* * *

 

 

Flying in the cloaked pod was nothing compared to the Red Lion, obviously. Commands were stiff, the seat was strange and the way it moved wasn't as free as the Lion felt. It lacked of options, but he wouldn't need any of them while the only thing he needed was to follow the route Shiro was clearing for him to make it to Zarkon's ship hangar. It also felt as though it lacked of air.

Just like it did inside the Yellow Lion. Like it did in Olkarion. This wasn't the time to feel that to stop breathing and to let his throat ache and distract him. He had to ignore that and focus, but with every signal Shiro voiced through the speakers in his helmet, air stuck again and again right after leaving his lungs. 

He tired to push it away, but breathing wasn't something anyone could follow with instructions. It was so natural he couldn't find a way to fool himself and keep breathing normally when there was something that was definitely the oposite going on. It itched, it didn't fade even when he tried to swallow or breathe through his nose. 

 

He coughed.

It didn't stop itching. 

Shiro's Lion was flying before him, turning and making more and more Galra ships to explode. Keith flew in a way he'd avoid any piece from the ships to hit his pod. They were getting closer.

He swallowed down. Coughed again. 

 

He kept focused on the course he's going through, the dryness didn't fade but Keith was doing his best to keep it down. He's almost there and the last thing he needed was to blink and miss the open door he had to drive his ship through. But he couldn't help it as it broke through his throat a couple of times more, he kept coughing as though it would be the remedy and not the problem he's facing. He covered his mouth with one hand, trying to muffle it and keep going. Flying the capsule was harder with just one hand, it seemed.

"Keith, you all right?" Shiro asked, confused, maybe worried. 

Shiro's voice took him aback, he gasped, almost waking up and fought to keep the ship steady. He coughed against his palm once more, this time it felt strange though familiar. 

"I'm coming in hot" He replied, letting a couple of squeezed petals he wasn't sure where did he got them fall from his hand. This time there were no trees around, nothing could justify the presence of them in there. It was quite confusing to stop and think about it right then.

 

Crashing the pod seemed to be his best option and the only thing he could do.

 

The ship came in and violently swept an entire line of sentinels, he got a gun and rushed in following Kolivan's instructions through the communications. He only wished for the tiny petals not to give away his position as he moved through the hallways. The ship was surprisingly quiet, the guards he saw at the fighters' deck left aside there didn't seem to be anyone else around. Still, he was cautious as he made it to the Central hub. He held his breath and hoped for his cough to keep it down at least until this whole infiltration operation was done.

If this was the most important command point, there should be at least a couple of sentinels near the gate but no one was around.

Keith got in, he was ready to fight but again the room was empty. He headed straight to the control panel and followed Kolivan's instructions. The code didn't work, though that wasn't the worst case scenario. 

 

The door was opened from the other side. His lungs squeezed inside his chest again as he hid behind one of the columns.

 He kept quiet, hoping for Kolivan's voice not to be as loud outside his helmet as it felt right in his ears. He stayed there, waiting as the Galra commander walked closer to the controls. Should he attack? Should he let him work? Keith was still trying to make a choice when he heard the door opening again and the druids came in accusing treachery to the Galra Empire on that commander.

_Thace._

Attacking was what he should do next. And so he did.

 

* * *

 

 

The next time Keith sneaked to the simulator his record was down and it was Shirogane's name the one topping the scores. Neat, approved by a proper instructor during flying practice lessons. The program was different but the previous records hadn't been erased with the update. Keith had to admit it had been a challenge again, it motivated him for nights as it required new manoeuvres and even a different way to grip the controllers.

 

A couple of nights later he left his name on top again.

 

By the end of the week it happened again: new program, different top. Shirogane.

 

 This kept on going, two forces trapped in the same space and passing by from one extreme to another hitting only once with the exact amount of energy to repeat the sequence. The trigger: the simulator. It was tense, Iverson and the other commanders that were involved when they discovered Keith were sure this would't end without consequences. Someday, that energy would be too much and would cause a stronger hit than just a change of names on the record.

 

* * *

 

 

Shirogane was nothing but the grip of a hand and the name on a screen. And one day his name became Shiro.

 

Then Shiro was pulling him out of the simulator to make him sleep. He was helping him through term exams. He was training with him. They were fighting to show off. They were laughing. They were running outside. Talking about family and the empty spaces. Sneaking alcohol to Shiro's and Matt's room. Dumb stories. Deep conversations. Shelter. 

Shiro was there when he had to sign the documents for the shack and the Hover bike. 

Shiro was holding on to him as Keith drove them through the desert. Shiro was flying with him in one of Garrison's training ships. Shiro was giving him advice. Shiro was expecting things from him. Shiro tried to make him better, and he did. Shiro trusted him and was someone he could trust. He knew him and yet Shiro managed to surprise him. He could change his days, his tiring weeks into a nice and relaxing afternoon. He tried to show him how to focus. He insisted he had potential and wanted to let him explode that. Yet, he never pressured him.

 

One day Shiro was excited with great news.  Shiro took him to the Kerberos launch. 

 

People around him were curious, they all wondered how Keith managed to get that close to Garrison's Golden boy. They all thought about Shiro as though he was some sort of sacred hero. It was true he rarely see anyone near him besides his friend Matt, and later, himself. Keith knew him as a human being, stressed and even scared about the steps he was making. Shiro could laugh and have strange and ridiculous likes like Matt could, like anyone would for sure. Shiro wasn't made of gold, but he wasn't at arms reach either. 

One day Shiro was gone. 

 

* * *

 

  
 Keith had never been good to get over things without a fight. Surrender wasn't for him, not even when the fight seemed to be a losing battle or way to imposible to keep holding on. A taller opponent, stronger, way more experienced, it was the same. Keith would throw himself into that fight and would fight till the end. It's a prohibition but he couldn't go without doing that thing: threw himself to it too. 

It is impossible, the mission failed and they're lost. They're probably dead. Probabilities are unimportant, there's something they're not telling. He wouldn't give up until they could find them. No mattering the methods, no mattering who he had to walk over, he had to know. 

 

That was one of the biggest battles he fought. And even when he was left by himself in the crumbling shack it didn't feel like battle was over, but like one he was losing. 

 

Keith was the same little kid sitting in the shack's porch waiting for someone to come back to him. Days, nights, but this time no one was there to stop him and remind him to get inside, to sleep, to eat... He was holding on to something, and the distance between what he desperately wanted and himself was too wide to stand it. It squeezed his entire body in despair, it made his head to ache with how fast thoughts run from hope to the unbearable anger of what reality forced itself to be. 

_But it couldn't be true._

Shiro was the best of the best, he'd never fail. And the way Garrison decided to shut him out before explaining what went wrong was also part of the things he couldn't ignore. Everything became a sign, everything could mean something, and it didn't at the same time. This was so inexplicable to find a clear clue.

 

He was losing his mind. But he never lost his goal.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Thace was already trying to stop the system and shut the ship down again. Keith could only hear him type and get the same access denied sound again and again. Thace was getting frustrated for sure, so was he. Kolivan kept pressing them, to the point irritation made Keith shut the communications down for a while. He stayed on guard, pointing the gun to the door and waiting, turning now and then to find Thace still on the same step and getting the same tone rising the tension. 

"Why is it taking so long?" He asked, patience wasn't easy to achieve in this situation. 

"They changed the code. I'm trying to access from a different channel but it's impossible."

Impossible? What was impossible was for them to keep losing time like that. The Black Lion was out there, fighting Zarkon's fleet by himself and the entire operation was waiting for the ship to shut down so the plan could go on. Fighting had never been easy, what to say about facing the biggest fleet right before the mother ship, when the Black Lion itself was something Zarkon had been trying to gain control of all this time. They couldn't risk it. They couldn't risk Shiro.

 

The next time he coughed he was absolutely sure those flowers were coming from him. He wasn't sure of how nor why was that happening...

 

A step back. Look up. Breathe. 

Breathe...

 

 There's no way the code will work. Turning the room into a bomb is the only option.

 

Breathe...

_Breathe..._

 

* * *

 

 

Just a blink of an eye and what's been natural for him gets a label. The thing that's more infuriating of this entire thing is not being able to label it by himself. That, or maybe it is that he gets to know how that's called when it's literally going to kill him. Admiration, longing, missing him, wanting to be close and to make sure he was all right, it all was there because of a reason he has to hear from someone else's voice to confirm it. His heart stops, and the next beat is so strong he can feel it all over his body, it's drowning, scary. It's taking his breath away.

All those things people used to say and felt like the most stupid or sappy things he'd heard made sense now. They're real now. Love could kill someone. It's going to kill him.

It's sickness. 

Confusion stayed just for a while as he finally got the controls of the Red Lion in his grip, it lasted a couple of coughs more as petals made it to the floor of the cockpit. They confused him before but the sight of them now leaves him a step closer to terrified. Still, that's a thing he's reserving for the war that's surrounding him at that exact moment. 

War is an easier concept to comprehend than what he's got.

 

Back on Earth, Keith had heard the romantic version of love being in people's hearts, and the cold and scientific view of it being part of brain cells' chemistry, but Galra's way of seeing it its completely new for him. According to Thace, love makes its nest into people's lungs, it starts to fill them and soon it's rooting, the more you think about it the more it will grow. Anxiety is its sun and the lack of certainty its daily water until one day, love will grow, pierce through tissue and kill the body.

Thace seemed to know a lot about that, but the short time they had left him with a brief explanation, a terrifying amount of doubts and an explosion that took any other possible important piece of information away. 

 

Still, it explains a lot of his thoughts, how it was never enough to think of Shiro as his friend only. He didn't have many friends, before Shiro and Matt he had no one and yet, they weren't the same to his eyes. They all were a group and worked like that, they knew the others and could tease and comfort them in the same level. But Shiro was different.

He thought he'd be satisfied with friendship. He thought maybe thinking of him in a more family-like level would fill the void but the truth was it didn't. Not at all. 

 

Love. 

 

He was sure he'd never get caught by it and now there it was, blooming inside of his body as his head and voice denied to admit  it openly for him to make something about it. He wasn't surprised, but a bit disappointed of how it had to come to him. Still, he couldn't stop thinking on pulling Shiro away from the others and finally, _finally_ tell him what he really meant to him. 

 

But he'd have to wait. And for someone as eager as him, waiting was hateful. 

 

His pulse is drowning him as they see the Teludav light up. He's nervous with each breath his body insists on taking as he flies the Red Lion through the Wormhole. He can't do anything but grip at the command like an anchor. His sight is getting blurry, he's sure his eyes are shaking and he felt his mouth get dry. Could be the anticipation of facing their next and probably last battle. Could be the flowers again. 

 

He's scared. It had been a long since he'd felt this scared, unable to move and with his jaw is fixed so tightly it hurts. He doesn't know what he wants to get through first, the battle or... The disease. 

 

This is scary. Love is scary. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Kudos and comments are welcomed as always!  
> This is the point where the entire flower thing starts to make sense, so stay tuned for more!  
> Also:   
> If there's any mistake, please let me know, I was a bit tired when I finished the chapter...


	4. And less life

 

It is not easy to try and keep up after the success their movement had with the Teludav, it had made them achieve one of the biggest goals of the entire fight and climbing up to position their efforts as a proper Revolution in capitals. There's a notorious change on the way the Galra ships drift through darkness without their Emperor leading them as firmly as before. This was the chance they had been waiting for. They got the results they pursued and according to the Blade they had near to cero loses on what the plan had costed them. That's just how it seems to be for them, they got their goal so all the loss was worthy and easily disposed.

The resources. The Teludav malfunctioning. The fallen ones. Thace. Antok.

Shiro.

 

Then Keith.

 

It's hardly a loss since they all now he's in the Castle with the other Paladins. But it is because he's been no where on sight since the last three weeks. They all asume his just in his room, and they feel sure of it during the first three days after the Black Lion has been still like a corpse in the deck. Whenever the walk by dorm's corridor any near Keith's door they can hear him inside, sobbing and sniffing as silent as possible, coughing with the same discretion.

Hunk had been trying to feed him since day one, but the plates kept stacking outside the door untouched. It's only after the fourth day that apparently he gives in and the plates still pile up out, but clean or almost empty instead. Still, no one of them had seen anything of him, not even his shadow as he drops the plates out.

 

The Castle is also paralysed. They flew as far from the Galra as possible, staying in their place and unable to put their minds back into what was on the line. Zarkon might be weakened, but that didn't mean the war was over. It actually felt like some unstoppable battle was about to warp them at any moment. They were one Lion short, and with it, at least two pilots out.  They still had the Blade of Marmora with them but right now it felt like a burden rather than an advantage.

Even when his stoic tone and always upright stand didn't show it, Kolivan was eager to make the next move after a whole day without messing with the confusion and tears the mysterious vanishing of Shiro triggered on the Castle’s crew. He offered his condolences and kept a respectful silence for as long as he thought it would be needed. Allura, in the other hand, wasn't ready to pretend he could ignore the loss loading the ship and its crew. She didn't hesitate to snap at him and make him leave.

 

It seems like mourning is a luxury they can't afford.

 

By the second week they're trying to pick up on what they were doing. It's true it’s still hard to think on jumping to a battle without their leader figure with them, but they focus on moving individually on whatever they can do. Seeing the others wander around the many levels of the Castle becomes some sort of relief, a strange support technique to face the situation.

Still, there's another face missing. And his absence makes very clear it would be impossible for them to find a way to reach and pick up his pieces back together and join them.

Lance remembers how Keith had pushed a violent distance from his entire life the first time Shiro disappeared. They weren't close back then but it had been so strong he got to know about it. He even mocked of it but now it's different. This time it is a loss they share.

He has to admit to himself he is concerned and a little bit afraid of him escaping. Keith has a ship fast enough to cross the Universe and not turn back to them, and even when they could actually track him down there's no way any of them manage to chase after him. They're not that fast, only Shiro was. And Lance is worried he might had ran away already and they didn't even notice. Lance is so scared of losing another member of his new found family he jumps off bed during the night cycle of the Castle and finds himself standing outside of Keith's door. He held his hand up, ready to knock but hesitant to do it. He focused on listening instead, to find any sign of someone was still in there. Still alive.

He hears him cough.

Lance knocks at the door. And once his hand had touched the cold steel he held his breath, against all logic, he suddenly found himself confused and absolutely scared of that door opening up.

It doesn't. He knocks again and hears movement. The ruffling of bed sheets and a heavy sigh.

He knocks again. He knows Keith is pretending not to be there. Then the muffled sound of coughing comes again.

"Mullet I know you're in there, I can hear your hair growing." He jokes but receives nothing but silence. It's like Keith had even stopped breathing to be unnoticed. Even when Lance knew Keith was in there and that doing such thing as hiding under the blanket to escape from them it's ridiculous in first stance, he's unable to ignore the way annoyance disolved into worry.

It had been two weeks without knowing a thing from him.

"Keith?"

Silence came back as soon as his voice died, and it stayed there, soaking him slowly and making the entire hallway feel heavy. Lance shifted a bit on his place, resting his back against the door since he's sure it wouldn't open.

He has a big family, he has a lot of siblings and had had the chance to try and comfort them lots of times. He's in fact trying to reach for Keith and bring him back to merge with the group and work this out. If he wanted he could get into their shoes and try to give them support, to make them see feelings could be something they could stand, but he feels powerless. He has no idea of what to do. Nothing like this had happened to him before. Yes, elder members of his family had passed away but nothing as direct and strong as Shiro and Keith seemed to be. He refuses to think on how it would be to lose one of his brothers, or sisters, and then he understands what may be going on.

This time was Lance's turn to sigh.

"You should at least come out to eat." Lance spoke with a tired tone. He didn't know what to say but silence is killing him. It had been doing it for two weeks straight and he's suffering enough to stand it any longer. "Dinning without you it's tough, buddy. Hunk is missing you pretty bad, you know? He's cooking all this things and you keep missing them. You can't do that, no to him. You don't want to hurt Hunk, don't you? And Pidge... She's also asking for you. And I can't stand her some times, like I would know about you! She should just ask by herself..."

And soon Lance is lost rambling. He speaks as though they had always done it, mostly to himself and not really expecting any answer from the other side. His voice is low, he's tired after all and maybe it's that almost drowsy state that has him talking to Keith's door like this in first place.

 

"Come out next time. Your empty chair gives us the nerves."

 

"His chair will also be empty." Lance hears Keith answer, and his voice is clearly behind him inside the room, but it's weaker than usual. It's stained with silence and loss damaging it.

 

It all falls again. This two weeks Lance had spent trying to make himself stand and breathe it out crumbled underneath his feet like thin ice with that single phrase. The fight they got involved in got closer to his memory and felt like two weeks hadn't been enough time to leave it behind. He felt guilty, he should have taken more time to get through it. And even when he stumbles on his stance and almost falls in the same spot Keith is, he manages to stay standing. He's confused of it, why isn't he locked inside his room after how bad it felt to hear that?

He's not Keith.

Shiro wasn't the same for him. He was his hero, yes, but that placed him far away from him. Even after they became a team Shiro wasn't someone he could easily get his hold on. He was an aspiration, a model...

But he was Keith's friend. And knowing Keith, he was probably his only friend...

 

"We're worried about you. We're a team, let us get through this as one..."

 

Silence tied him again, leaving Keith's heavy steps back to his bed and the thud of his fall into it be the only answer he got afterwards.

 

Lance started to wonder if they could really be a team after all.

 

* * *

 

 

Most of the things, people say, get easier the more you experience them. Practice makes perfect. Either you want it or not, events hit and both the body and mind have already a slight memory of what to do next to make the impact less extreme, wounds less deep. Part of instinct, survival nature, self defense system...

 

Those were all lies.

 

Or it was just some rule that didn't apply to loss.

 

The only thing he got out of his memory was anxiety. The terrible heart rate in his chest as he rushed form his Lion to the Black one. The soreness of his legs begging him to stop and hold back. His memory knew something and warned him with everything it could to delay it, to slow down, but his desperation pushed harder and made him run all the way there not even questioning why the Lion's mouth opened for him in the first place. Despair was always a more powerful trigger.

 

Nothing could have prepared him for this, nothing could ever explain it.

Not even experience. It was worst the second time.

 

Keith couldn't believe he was living this again, there was nothing to convince him this wasn't something that would pass and he'd be back there again. Not the empty seat, neither the darkness of the Lion's inactive cockpit, not even the obviousness of what they were facing that Lance pointed out when no one else dared to speak. He couldn't accept it. Keith called for him, over and over again, looking around and trying to figure out where could he be hiding, but he could only see the small space crowded with faces that weren't even supposed to be there. Only Shiro should be there.

He turned and wandered through the Lion's insides, trying to find any clue of where Shiro was but it was useless. It was too dark, wide open and the ship didn't really have places for hiding aside the command cabin and the cargo area. No. Please no. Once he came back to the cockpit, he held on to the back of Shiro's seat, tired, with his limbs shaking and his throat completely dry. He couldn't even hold himself in place as the voices around him blurred. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, and he couldn't stop his eyes from burning. Without any other warning than the huffing of his own breathe, Keith broke.

 

* * *

 

 

When they notice the Red Lion is moving and leaving the Castle they all sound completely confused. Lance's fear of Keith leaving the team crawled back through his spine, and he found himself holding on to Hunk, silently asking if Keith was really going to escape and make them deal with all of this by themselves.

They all hesitate either to follow him or not. Allura doesn't want to lose another Lion, but making the other three chase down Red could make Zarkon's ships to find them and they're still not ready to face that. Still, if they're not ready to do such thing as a team, there's no way Keith could manage by himself if he's found by the Galra. Tension is awful. They could still track the Red Lion but it was fast.

And it was heading to the place they left Zarkon's ship stranded during their last battle.

 

Lance started to consider Keith may not be wanting to escape but to commit suicide.

 

Allura set the Castle to go after him from a cautious distance, luckily he would stop and come back. If they weren't that lucky then they'd have to go after him with another Lion and bring him back.

Keith got his Lion into the hangar around three hours later. He locked himself again.

 

He didn't join them for dinner. He didn't answer to Lance's knocking. He turned off the communications or simply left the helmet hidden somewhere it wouldn't annoy him.

 

 

This repeated the rest of the week.

 

* * *

 

 

It was obvious they would continue with the war they were involved in, but Keith thought it would be smoother than it felt. They gave him space to look for Shiro by himself, Pidge was also exploring a bit more and the team didn't ask any explanation from them. But then the Blade came back to the picture. Once Kolivan showed up again, pressure got dense in a blink, though it seemed like it just was continuing what they were doing before loss had got into that ship and held them tightly enough to keep them in place.

Going to fight with countless enemies and making sure the Galra would fly away from different planets wasn't as hard as before now that Zarkon was missing. Two Lions could make the same thing that last year would have required Voltron to get done. That was good, specially since they couldn't actually form Voltron.

Keith spent as much time as possible by himself, flying around different systems, trying to find any sign of Shiro without a solid clue of how to make it. He also made it to the missions they had to attend as Paladins, but his irritation wasn't something they could ignore. It wasn't a good sign of diplomacy and it wouldn't help the Coalition they tried to re-form.

Last days had been a complete nightmare for him. He hadn't been sleeping properly, scared of nightmares and unable to convince himself to close his eyes, he neglected eating and confined himself long enough to have a terribly decadent appearance.

The thing with the flowers also got worse.

"How long since it started?" Kolivan asked. They just got through a meeting that went terribly wrong after Keith's big outburst.

Keith was leaning against the wall, hoping for the other Paladins not to come after him. He wasn't ready to explain why were flowers coming out of his mouth whenever he coughed, but luckily, the one who found him was probably well informed about this whole issue. It felt like a deja vu, discussing about flowers while in the middle of something important...

He shook his head and crushed the petals he held in his hand. "Around a month." He replied, looking up to catch his breath.

Kolivan stood in front of him, Keith didn't feel like looking up to meet his face. "Do you understand what this is about?" Kolivan asked, and even when his voice held the same serious tone it showed how he tried to reach for him. Just as Thace tried to in the middle of the battle...

"Thace said it was because I'm..." Keith stopped himself, his throat tying itself and itching, holding down his entire body and tensing his breath. He coughed, covering his mouth to catch the petals again.

Kolivan held his hand out, Keith left the petals over the other's palm, he couldn't believe he wasn't grossed out by it.

"He didn't have enough time to tell you everything, didn't he?"

"What else is there to say? I'm dying."

Kolivan's attention was completely focused on the petals, he held them up, turned them and looked at every detail he could find. "You're not dying yet. It's growing pretty fast but you still have time."

"Great."

"That's why you're looking for the Black Paladin?"

"We need Shiro to form Voltron. We can't fight without him."

Keith knew he was telling the truth, those were solid facts and what they needed to do. He had been really clear during the meeting and he didn't regret a single word. There was no hope without the Black Paladin since it let Voltron out of the entire revolution. But even when Keith wanted to make this war his cause and focus completely on it... His interest in Shiro was a very strong competition to the matter. Strong enough to get him into this problem.

Now he couldn't deny how he felt, specially not when those petals forced him to wear his feelings on display.

"Thace said I only have to tell him and this will be over." At least that was what he understood.

Kolivan looked at him in silence, though it was obvious it would perfectly be filled by a sigh or an eye roll, but apparently he was way too composed to be doing that.

"You'll get cured if the other one returns your feelings. If you tell and nothing happens or you get a negative then it will get worse."

Great.

He was sure he only had to find Shiro and tell him, but what he just heard made the sole idea feel ridiculous. Just as it happened when the Kerberos mission report came out, Keith couldn't accept it and had to keep searching for answers. Even when he tried each day to find a clue to get to him, when he spent his entire time looking for him, Keith still have some doubts of what he was doing, which scared him to death. The mere idea of giving up was unbearable and he kept going, he had to, eyes fixed in the scanner and making his best to try and find him in the deep darkness of the space before him.

What if he could never find him? What if he was dead? What if Shiro died thinking on him as just a teammate?

Just as it was natural for him to think on Shiro in the way he did, he also felt like he had a certain place on Shiro's head that matched with his thoughts. At least it was like that before understanding the weight his own feelings placed over him. But this was a proof of the contrary. Shiro didn't know how he felt, and that wasn't guarantee of him accepting it once he did. Even if he managed to find him and speak, that wouldn't mean he'd automatically return his feelings. What if it was annoying? What if Shiro didn't want that?

What if he already knew?

"There's another option." Kolivan told him, he was probably pretending not to notice how Keith started to crumble with anxiety right in front of his eyes. "You can get operated and take the flowers out. If you do it you would lose what you feel  but it's a minor side effect."

"Will I forget?"

"No, you'll keep your memories, they just won't feel the same. Thace knew it pretty well, but he didn't have time to tell you any detail."

 

Before Keith could completely assimilate what Kolivan was telling him,Lance showed up at the end of the aisle. He walked to them with an irritated expression. "What's wrong with you?" He asked once he was closer. "That's it, Kolivan! Glad you're putting him on place!"

Kolivan didn't reply to Lance's comment, carelessly dropping the petals to the floor.  "I hope you find a way to bring Voltron back to fight. The Blade of Marmora will keep in touch with you." He then excused himself and walked away, leaving both Paladins alone.

The red petals stood out over the white floor of the Castle, Keith hoped Lance wouldn't ask anything about that. In fact, he didn't even seem to notice it. He just looked at him, with the same frown he wore whenever he tried to tease him.

"We're going to decide what to do now." Lance told him with less disgust than Keith expected, and the harsh expression started to fade into a tired -maybe even a bit worried- one. "We'll have around ten minutes to rest before meeting up in the lounge. We're a team so, you have to come too."

 A team.

It comes back to him, their fights, the sensation of piloting together forming one. The unity during their plans, the worried looks whenever anyone of them got hurt. They all mattered. Yes, they had lost Shiro but they were still around to support each other through this. Lance had been trying to make him see it but it wasn't clear until now. Loss had been though for him, but so for all of them.

"All right, I'll catch up."

 Keith found himself a little bit glad of letting others getting closer to him.

 

* * *

 

 

 Life is too short to stay in the same place, even when pain is still a heavy burden on their team they had to move forward. They're making little steps and growing bit by bit to stand again, they all understand that. But when they have to make the biggest step and actually try to get to make the Black Lion come back to them again it feels like they're rushing and jumping with bigger steps than Keith is ready for. Still, they seem to be supportive and up to stay there for him.

The last thing Keith wants is to replace him. He knows he can't do it, he can't match his experience or strength. He also knows the team won't like that. But he also knows Shiro expected him to.

Deep breaths. Calm down. Patience yields focus...

It had been a long since the last time he stood in the cock pit of the Black Lion. It's wide, cold and dark. Empty.

Keith took his time, looking outside from his stand behind the chair. It was his space and now he felt like intruding. A part of him was sure he would never be the same after that. This whole thing with Voltron had made him discover lots of things he didn't want to know. Being part Galra. Being in love.

He sighed.

He couldn't escape the thoughts of Shiro as he walked to the chair, he  couldn't deny himself how scared of this he is, how nervous he gets and how heavy Shiro's request feels over his shoulders now. He's sure he won't be able to go back if something happens, and it does.

The controls and screens light up. And it kills him.

It feels like the Lion is also recognising Shiro won't come back, just as the team did when they all tried to pilot it. Yet, a part of himself tells him the Lion it's also grieving with him. Once more, Keith surrenders, he lets his pain drift away and flow freely though him, mixing with something else that he's sure it's coming from the cabin he's sitting in. He curled himself in the seat, ruffled his hair in despair and cried. Of course, some petals managed to make it to the floor, reminding him of Red in all this violet lights...

The team wants to move on. Voltron has to move again. Keith lets it all out and tells himself this is the last time he makes the team stop. He won't be the one holding them back and he's sure he will try and compensate all the time they've been losing.

They will be ready to fight again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long.  
> Who's excited about season 6!? I am! 
> 
> As always, please comment and leave kudos if you liked it. If you found some typo or strange mistake, please let me know!
> 
> Thank you all for reading.


	5. I cried tears you'll never see

 

One thing Lance never thought he'd see again was anything related to Earth. His first surprise were the trees around Olkarion, the biggest shock was Kaltenecker, and the most pleasant discovery was the planet with the civilization under the sea. The last thing he expected to see were flowers. Specially not red roses' petals. Specially not in the cock pit of the Lion he just got the chance to pilot.

Once they came back after the first fight they went through with different pilots on the Lions, Lance got closer to where Keith was heading to. He came almost sprinting, catching up real quickly.

"Hey!" He called, patting the other's shoulder.

"Hi."

"So, how is it? Piloting the Black Lion?" Lance asked walking beside him. He held the helmet under his arm and looked cheerful. It wasn't something usual but he couldn't help it now, somehow he felt it would be easier to just make a lot more of changes since he was supposed to be Keith's right hand-man. 

Keith sighed. It was easy for Lance to think on two reasons for it. One, he thought Lance was trying to mock him, as usual. Two, there was nothing wrong with the Lion but Keith was the problem, still too down to get up and fight without any distraction. He had to understand, it wouldn't be easy to get over it.

 

"And Red?" Keith asked, changing the talk towards Lance instead.

 

Lance chuckled, it was better this way then. "It's incredibly fast! I can't even... And so light and small compared to Blue."

 

 "Yeah, that's the usual Red."

"I think I'll get used to her pretty quickly!" Lance added, trying to project more of his usual confidence, just wanting to lighten the mood around and lift some of all those worries over Keith's shoulders. "But I'm still going to miss Blue. I was actually planing on maybe say good-bye? She kicked me out so fast..."

"Don't worry, Red it's better."

"Hey! Stop talking like that! It's not your Lion anymore!"

"I know Red, it's the best!"

"Focus, Head of Voltron! What if your Lion hears you and shuts you out, hu? What are we going to do! We have to stop losing pilots!"

 

Keith rolled his eyes. In fact, Lance was true it wouldn't happen. It hadn't been the first time Keith piloted Black and, apparently, he was the only one of them the Lion liked besides Shiro. Plus, there was no other option. Maybe it was just that Keith felt the same way Lance did after leaving their former Lions. They spent a lot in there, enough to make a bond that would hurt cutting down but has to be done. Blue would always stay with him, maybe Keith had the same thoughts about Red.

 

They walked in silence for a bit longer, but Lance wasn't really good on standing it. 

He decided on bringing certain thing that had been on his mind since he got to the Red Lion and joined the battle. Truth was he found himself confused at first, then a bit jealous -wasn't Allura the first one to try and pilot Red when Black chose Keith? Why would he leave all those red petals in there if it wasn't for her? But then decided to just go with it and get out to join the team. 

It was insane, it actually managed to get into his head and maybe touch a bit deeper, just because how much he wanted something like this and it came when less expected. He could just take it as a welcome gesture but...

 

Still, there was no way he'd lose the chance to mess up with Keith about this whole thing.

 

"So... Seems like you're a bit of a flirt, aren't you?" Lance teased him, getting a bit closer to have a look at Keith's reaction.

"What?"

"Oh, come on! I mean, it must be a boomer to you couldn't make it, such a shame it was me flying Red and not Allura, right? Still, I appreciate it. Nice touch."

"What are you talking about?"

"Filling the cockpit with red roses' petals, duh?"

"Oh shit."

 

That. It was almost as Keith had forgotten about that, even when it must had been a big effort to just find the flowers and then get all of those clean petals to cover the floor of the Red Lion's cockpit. How could he forget that? 

 

"I'm flattered and everything but I'm not... into you like that, buddy." Lance told Keith apologetically, still, he couldn't hold back his smile. This was just hilarious! 

"Fuck, no, Lance," Keith was losing it. But instead of getting flustered red as Lance thought, he was getting pale. 

"I'm thankful, I mean, I miss Earth a lot and I love roses..."

"You're going to be so grossed out by that" Keith was more like musing than actually talking to Lance.

 

He could understand he didn't want to make eye contact after something as embarrassing as that but the way Keith started to lose his breath made Lance get a bit worried. Was he really ashamed of this? Did it hurt him? Was it really a good thing to say this? To turn him down when he was going through all of this and... Why did he do it in first place! Being grossed wasn't... It wasn't like Lance wasn't... 

 

"No, I'm telling you it's fine, Keith. I liked them." Lance tried to calm him down. It was strange, he never thought he'd have to stop his pranks nor explain he was just teasing someone, specially not Keith. "Got a good bunch of pictures with them!"

"Wait, you touched them?"

"Ahm... A bit, why?"

 

Keith turned on his heels, it took Lance a bit before turning as well. 

 

"I'll clean them up."

"What? Clean? No, Keith! Leave it like that, roses are ok! I like them!"

Lance tried to stop him, wanting to catch up and just make him stop with that idea of cleaning and focus on just letting go of his jokes as he always did. But nothing worked, Keith kept walking. Lance knew he didn't even doubt Red would open up for him.

"Believe me, you wouldn't like them if you knew where they came from." Keith told him as he kept going.

"I was going to ask that... But it doesn't matter!" Lance pointed. "Keith, please don't take them! I'm sorry, ok! I may like you a little bit, it's a nice thing to do and maybe you were just trying to be romantic. Or not. I... I miss Earth, you knew that. I wanted something to remind me of Earth so badly and now... Roses, Keith! Please don't take them!" 

"I wasn't trying anything, Lance! I don't even want them, let me-"

"I can give you a date if it's want you want! Please, don't take them!"

Lance held his arm, stopping him from getting any closer to the Lion's mouth. He was actually surprised by his own words. And how nervous Keith looked. He had the look of a scared animal, afraid of getting caught and just thinking on a way to escape. Was it what was happening? 

 

Did Lance found out something Keith didn't want him to know?

 

Before he could even think on an excuse, of any way to make Keith calm down, he started to cough. Keith covered his mouth and bent down a bit as the spasm took his body. Lance stepped back. Then Keith stood upright again, looked straight to Lance's eyes and tossed a bunch of squeezed red petals to the floor.

 

Petals of the same size as the ones that lead to all of this.

 

"What the hell!"

 Keith just sighed and kept walking. Lance couldn't take his eyes away from the flowers on the light gray floor of the Castle. He still had to process it. How did...? 

_What the hell._

Lance sprinted to Keith again, catching up just in time for the Lion to open it's mouth and let them both get in. "Keith, seriously? What is that? A magic trick? How the hell... Keith! Why didn't you tell me, I've been touching these things!" Lance was confused. There were flowers coming out of Keith's mouth. He had never seen -nor imagined- anything like that before. 

 

"Bring a broom or something" Was all he got from Keith before he walked into the cockpit and looked down to the red covering the floor. There were a lot, the red mass was almost covering the entire floor. 

 

Lance nodded, his eyes were fixed on the flowers and was sure he'd probably never forget this incident. Not only because of the pictures, neither the other things that happened the same day but because of how awkward he managed to make all this. And because of Keith just coughing out flowers. He was taken back from his thoughts when he heard Keith cough again, he couldn't stop himself from looking up and finding a few more petals hitting the pile afterwards. He turned around and left.

 

Lance rushed out and went to try and find Coran, who must be the one he needed to find something as basic as a broom somewhere in the Castle. He didn't really feel like telling the truth but he couldn't think on any good excuse when Coran asked him why did he needed one, he just shrugged and follower Coran to find one. He also grabbed an expandable bag and headed back to the hangar, to the red Lion and it's red roses.

 

"Found this" He announced as he climbed back into the cockpit.

 

Keith had already managed to pile most of the petals around to clean the floor. He took the broom form Lance's hand and started to join the petals that weren't near any of the piles. Lance was impressed that he actually kept his word of cleaning by himself, but still felt strange just staring. He bent down and started to get the petals inside the bag. Grabbing handfuls of and tossing them in as Keith swoop the floor. The other one kept coughing every now and then, rising his irritation and Lance's confusion. 

 

"How is this happening?" Lance asked him once they were half done.

"It's a disease."

"Ugh! I been touching these, Keith!"

"It's not contagious!" Keith burst. "It's a Galra thing."

 

The contrast between those phrases made Lance feel a bit sorry of reacting like that. Keith told him he'd get grossed out and that had been exactly what he did, but then when he pointed out the Galra... He seemed to be the one suffering it. Like it was the horrendous thing about the thing he had to go through. About this new thing he had to go through, as if being part of an intergalactic war, losing his friend, changing Lions and having to lead a team that didn't really feel complete with him in charge wasn't enough...

He didn't deserve it.

 

"Are you ok?"

 

Keith nodded.

 

"Sure? You don't need like treatment or crazy Galra magic to get cured or...? Have you asked Kolivan or anyone of the Blade about this? They could help you."

"There's no treatment." Keith replied, his eyes fixed on the floor and what he was doing. "It's more like... The kind of thing that just happens. It will end one day and done."

"Like... Puberty or something?"

"Yeah, just like that." Keith didn't sound very convinced of it but Lance didn't have another option but going with it. It was pretty much obvious he wouldn't want to talk about it anymore.

"What if you become full Galra when it's over? You know, purple, fangs, the whole thing."

Keith smiled and breathed out some sort of chuckle. "I could get taller."

 

Lance felt glad of being able to lighten the issue a little. He had to admit he was curious, deadly curious about this _Galra thing_ that brought petals to the cockpit of the Lion he now got to pilot, but he refrained from asking for now. It was obvious Keith didn't really want to share anything about this and was only doing it because Lance discovered it.

They finished cleaning together about half an hour later, picking the petals up to push them into the bag wasn't as easy as he first thought but at least Keith could see he wasn't grossed by them at all, not even when he saw him coughing more while in there. He was playing instead, more like his usual self.

 

They both headed to their rooms, Keith going first while Lance decided where to hide the petals. 

 

It was surprising, but Keith left the Red Lion with a smile on his face. It wasn't a complete one but a soft curve on his lips, still, it was enough to make Lance feel satisfied. If it was a sickness he had to go through, Lance was glad to show him he could count on him. 

It had been a nice change.

 

* * *

 

 

The first time Shiro disappeared, Keith put all his energy on tracking whatever was that thing he could feel out there in the desert as a way to pull himself away from grieving. He never stopped looking for an answer whatsoever.

This time, he focused on Lotor. Where was he, what was he planning, he wanted to discover it all, along with his extreme need to find Shiro somewhere in the universe. He was doing this with so much attention he ended up neglecting himself once again. Barely sleeping and only stopping from looking for Shiro through the endless darkness of space to fly back and join the Paladins in any fight they had to face.

Keith was doing all he was meant to, but self care was falling to the bottom of his priorities list. 

 

"How long is this supposed to last?" Lance asked the last time they were alone at the hangar after another battle. 

 

The group had gone ahead to get dinner done and Keith decided to stay a little more, rest for a while and then go out to try and find Shiro. That was his plan until Lance interrupted.

 

"I don't really know."

"Maybe you really should ask Kolivan."

"No need."

"What about the others?" Lance asked, he sounded concerned. "I only found out about this because you literally had no option but telling me, but they should... What if something happens?"

"Nothing will happen, Lance." Keith told the other Paladin more desperate to get this to an end than believing his own words.

 

_Nothing would happen, excepting he could die._

 

But Lance still looked at him with a worried expression he wasn't used to see, it wasn't supposed to be how he'd look at him. As if they were close friends and not someone he only interacted with because he had no option but doing it. They were unable to bond or have a normal conversation and yet, Lance was looking at him like that. And he was sighing and up to give in.

 

"Fine, I'll contact Kolivan and ask... I don't know, for advice. Happy?"

"And tell the others." Lance smiled and got closer, hanging one arm over Keith's shoulders. "Now lets go to have diner."

Keith took Lance's arm off and let him step ahead. "I'll catch up." He told him and turned back to his Lion.

 

They both knew he wouldn't.

 

Keith got out in a blink, facing the emptiness ready to spend as long as he could bare just looking outside and trying to find any clue through that darkness spreading before him.

It took him at least two hours before feeling tired enough to stop, letting the Lion float on it's place while he focused on just breathing and stretching. Even so, he wasn't up to go back just yet.

 He uploaded the information on the data as usual and sent it to Coran. Keith rested his head on the back of the chair and took a deep breath. After a bit of calm, he started to cough. It felt different than usual, ever since he cleaned up the mess he left on the Red Lion, coughing lasted longer and the petals that came out seemed to be bigger. 

He thought he could handle this by himself but now he wasn't that sure. It hurt and actually scared him, he could feel this whole issue slip from his hands since Lance discovered him, but now it felt more serious than just a secret popping out.

 

"Nothing will happen." He told himself and tried to catch his breath. He then called the Castle.

 

"Coran, send me the Blades communication frequency."

"Did you find anything?" Coran asked from the other side, sending what Keith asked for.

"No. I just need to ask them something. Thank you." Keith cut the transmission with Coran and made his best to get ready to face Kolivan.

 

Once it connected, he realised he wasn't even sure of what he'd say.

 

"Is it an emergency?" Kolivan asked, fast to get to action as usual.

"Not yet." Keith replied, his throat itching again. He tried to clear it and instantly, Kolivan knew what to do.

"Show me."

Keith picked up one of the petals that had landed on his thighs and held it up for Kolivan to see it.

"They're bigger. Did it hurt you when they came out?" Kolivan asked, drily as expected.

"A bit."

"It's evolving faster than I thought. Get an image of your lungs as soon as possible and send it to me, I'll see if I can find someone to make the operation."

"I don't want that." Keith replied. "I can send it to you but I don't want any operation."

"Then why are you calling? Don't waste my time."

"Just tell me what can I do. Give me another option."

Kolivan looked at him with the same expressionless face. It wasn't easy to read him but it gave Keith the feeling that he might be the only Galra to refuse getting operated, judging by the weigh of Kolivan's stare. The procedure was the solution over dying, Victory or Death was the base of the Galra civilisation after all.

"We can send you something for the pain but you know there's nothing else to be done." Kolivan spoke. "Right now the operation is your best option."

_Shiro is not here, so it's your only option._

"I'll be there tomorrow." Kolivan disappeared from his fed right afterwards. Keith coughed again and turned to head back home.

 

* * *

 

For Keith to get an image of what was going on in his chest he had to ask Coran to make it, and that meant he ha'd have to explain why he wanted such thing. At the end, both things Lance suggested him to do had to be ready for his meeting with Kolivan.

Keith went straight to bed and left this for the next day, he was too tired to think anymore. By the morning he went to meed Coran at the Bridge and asked directly for what he needed.

 

"Sure, why do you need it?"

"Kolivan asked me to confirm something." Keith said vaguely. "It's a Galra thing."

 

He wanted it to be shrugged off easily, to avoid any question and make it as private as he could, even when he needed help this time. Masking it behind a race they wouldn't know how to approach to was his best option, or so he thought. He wished for all this to stay low but it didn't go that easily.

 

"We have some information gathered in the Castle's archive, if there's anything specific you want to see, tell me and I'll find it for you. There's no need for this direct things if you feel uncomfortable."

"I just need that. Don't know what for, Kolivan didn't say anything else."

"Probably getting your cough checked?" Coran said tilting his head a bit. "I've heard you while you go out and search. I'm glad he knows what to do, I'm not that familiar with Galra sickness and of course less with human's."

 

Maybe Keith wasn't as discrete as he wanted, specially not lately with it happening more frequency and strength. He just hoped to be able to cover it up as long as possible. 

 

They were about to go when Allura came in. Keith kept walking but Coran stayed behind. 

 

"I'll be right back, Princess. I'm just taking Keith to check on his cough." He announced and Keith wanted to hurry and disappear. Each time he heard the word 'cough' it got harder to pull it back.

"Oh! I hope you find a solution and you get cured soon, Keith. The others said they don't want to catch whatever it is."

"It's a Galra thing." Keith repeated and took a couple of steps further, wanting to get Coran to follow. "They won't get infected." 

 

He wanted to make sure they wouldn't worry, he really wanted to get through this without the issue becoming a problem for them. It had already been enough to drag Lance into this, and now Coran. 

 

Once they were right at the door they were heading to, Keith started to cough. He barely had the time to cover his mouth and as the spasm extended he stopped caring about the petals that might slip from his hold. He just wanted it to stop. Even though he managed to hide the petals it was obvious Coran noticed it was getting worse.

 

_Nothing will happen._

 

Coran told him the pod was ready and he patted the wall of it as he invited Keith to get closer.

 

Nothing will happen.

 

He took a deep breathe and closed his eyes. the pod closed with him inside and soon a beeping sound started to match his pulse. The sounds outside were muffled but he could tell Coran was trying to help him stay calm. He could see his smile and usual playfulness as he twisted the end of his moustache in his fingers. It was a nice gesture of him.

Keith had never been the type to frequently go to hospitals. Whenever he was sick his father would take care of him, until, tragically, he had to do it by himself which meant he'd try his best to stay away from any situation taht would lead him to a hospital. 

The only time he ended up waiting in the ER was one time he broke his arm. He got a X-ray photograph for that but it was nothing like this time.

 

He was nervous. A lot, actually.

 

It's not only because of the claustrophobic sensation he's getting trapped inside the pod while conscious, or the increasing beeping of the machine working, it's because of what he's doing on itself. Keith was scared of what the image will show. He didn't know what to expect and a part of him didn't really want to know.

The discrete buzzing around him stopped and the pod opened again. Keith got out and walked closer to where Coran might be getting what they were looking for. 

 

The image popped up in front  of them and they just stared at it. Keith didn't know if he was relieved or not.

 

It looked normal.

 

"Is there any problem, Keith?" Coran asked, the concern in his voice was as clear as the image before them. 

 

Maybe Thace was exaggerating. Maybe nothing is about to grow inside there and tear him apart. Maybe it isn't literal.

 

Maybe nothing would happen.

 

"No, it's fine."

"Do you want me to send this to Kolivan?"

"I'll do it, thank you." 

"All right then. I'll go back to the Bridge now. Call if you need anything else."

 

As soon as Coran turned around and reached the door, Keith found himself bending over through another coughing spasm. Petals flew everywhere reminding him how awfully real it all was.

Keith managed to hold on for long but luck can't really extend any further than that. He wasn't lucky to catch his breath smoothly. He wasn't lucky enough to make a lie come out and justify what's happening, not even got enough luck to get control of his own voice at all. It's trapped behind folded petals that come out in an unimaginable nightmare. He wasn't lucky enough to be alone when this happened.

Coran reached for him and helped him to get some air, but he still doubt what kind of luck could that be.

 

 

* * *

 

Kolivan's ship gets to the Castle at the same time the Black Lion does. Keith had spent the entire cycle searching as usual, though he actually used this as an excuse not to be in the Castle with the rest of the Paladins. They all know he wanted to focus on this, he'd been looking for any clue whenever he has the chance to fly away so it shouldn't be that strange. Still, he feels uncomfortable.

Coran finding out about the secret he always tried to cover when he coughed would for sure lead to the rest of the team getting to know it and, of course, lots of questions he isn't ready to face.

He went straight to the Black Lion first thing when he woke up. He only had to make it back in time for the meeting with Kolivan.

The meeting regards of war goes as expected. It isn't easy for Keith to actually take part on the lead with Allura and Kolivan like Shiro would have but at least it isn't a disaster as previous conferences they had. It's not easy either with all the coughing and his efforts to hide something most of them already seem to know.

 

By the time they end it and all the communication screens with the other leaders shut down, Keith's waiting for the rest of the team to leave the room so he could talk to Kolivan about his request. Of course, it doesn't happen.

 

Neither Kolivan nor Keith are patient enough to search for privacy, even when it is the only thing Keith wants.

 

"You have the image?" Kolivan asks once they're convinced the others won't give them space.

Keith taps some buttons of the holographic commands before them and the image Coran took enlarges before them. It feels like a conference again, but it shouldn't be like that. 

Keith coughs again and tries to brush the petals off the table but Kolivan stops him. The Paladins stare before getting on with the mumbling and whispers. Kolivan holds some of the fresh petals and examines them on his hands, he asks the same questions he's been asking since he found out about this. Does it hurt? Are they this many each time? Frequently or between longer spaces of time? Can you sleep?

By the time Kolivan actually focuses on the hologram of Keith's lungs in front of them, Keith gets nervous. His hopes of Kolivan confirming there's nothing wrong die as soon as he sees him frowning even deeper than his usual cold trademarked frown.

Kolivan moved the image with his fingers, he enlarges it and focuses on something he points for Keith to see. The rest of the team does as well.

"Here. See this lighter line near the border? This is where it will grow."

"How are these coming out if there's nothing in there yet?" Keith asks, fidgeting a petal in his fingers.

"This is here." Kolivan points at the same area as though it was just as obvious for Keith as it seemed to be for him, like it just had been a stupid question. "It's starting in there. The operation would be less of a risk if it's done before it actually-"

 

Kolivan stops suddenly. He kept his eyes in the glowing image and zooms it in and in. Keith gets even more nervous with the silence. The team seems to get closer too as the entire room reduces to the anxiety in that space.

 

"So... What is this about?" Hunk uses the pause and asks first. There's a trace of shyness on his voice that makes it clear he knows he's not really meant to be there at all, what to say about making questions.

"Do you need an operation, Keith?" Allura speaks this time.

"No." He replies drily and he knows Kolivan is glaring down at him. No operation. "It's nothing."

"It's a common disease among young Galra." Kolivan answers, his attention still focused on the image. "The operation would make things easier and it's not as dangerous as other procedures would be. At least, not at this point."

"How long do I have before it gets worse?" Keith interrupted.

"I can't tell. This is nothing like I've seen before, Keith. The size of the petals and the spread inside. And this." Kolivan finally drags Keith's attention to what has caught his sight before. "It's rooting."

 

Keith goes pale and as thought the notion of it pricked inside of him, he coughs again. There's a thin dark line barely piercing between the area near the border and the centre of his lungs. It's not easy to spot unless they enlarge the image but still, there's not supposed to be _anything_ in there in first place.

 

"What? What's going on? What's rooting?"

 

Keith can't do nothing, he's coughing and his eyes plead Kolivan to lie, to protect was left of the secret and just ignore them. Keith doesn't want to be anymore exposed than he already feels with this things coming out of him. There's no point on telling, they shouldn't even be here. But of course, it won't be that easy for him.

 

"Love." Kolivan replies, and the word feels totally foreign coming through him, it doesn't match the image Keith sees before him.

It didn't match with Keith himself either.

 

_Love._

 

They all go still, no one moves, excepting Kolivan who's still looking at the hologram. After a little longer, he snaps it away and the image disappears. 

Kolivan explains a bit more about the next mission they'll be working on and excuses himself to leave. The rest of the Paladins barely have time to register it before Kolivan reaches the door.

Of course Keith follows him. They walk in silence until they reach the hangar where Kolivan's ship awaits. Keith wants to tell him he shouldn't have said that but he cant. He's not even sure about that, it's disturbing to have an explicit reminder of his feelings, but it's the truth. It's all true.

 

"This is for the pain." Kolivan tells him, handing three small packages for Keith. "Half of the dose is enough for now. You'll need the complete dose later, you will know when. I meant what I said about the operation, I'm looking for someone to do it whenever you're ready."

"I don't want it." Keith replies coldly as he takes the packages in his hand.

"You can always change your mind if you'd rather preserve your life." 

 

Keith feels something twist inside of him. It pulls his throat again and makes him try and clear it though he knows the itch will never fade. That's Kolivan talking Galra to him. _Victory or death_ , being rubbed on his face as an attempt to discipline him, to line him to what Kolivan might expect from him. 

He stays quiet, looking at the floor and gripping the packages in his hand.

 

"Ulaz was our best surgeon." He hears Kolivan speak again, and there's a strange tone in his voice that makes Keith look back at him. Fondness. Even the frown is gone. "He had done that a lot for us. The most hilarious one was Thace's, though."

"Thace had this?" 

"I told you it's very common. But Thace's case is a story for later." 

 

Keith is amazed but he sees it. Kolivan is smiling, he's joking. He doesn't understand why but it seems like Kolivan is up to open up to him a little. He seems to know how to, even when he doesn't seem to be the type to be bringing up memories like the ones he's talking about. Ulaz was an important member of the Blade of Marmora, that was obvious, but now that he has seen how the memory of the name brings Kolivan's sharp edges down Keith is amazed again. 

 

Galra wear love on display and cherish their memories. They're not just war machines, even when they try to be.

 

"Call if you need anything. Don't hesitate." 

 

Keith nods and stays still as he sees the ship fly out of the Castle.

 

He's alone again, in silence. 

 

He turns around and before he can notice it, he's heading to the Black Lion. It's not a big surprise. Then another expected thing shows up, cough cuts through him a few times as he walks and he doesn't even find the reason why should care anymore. He doesn't try to hide the petals as they fall and that's the surprising part.

 

He sighs.

 

The surgery comes back to his mind once he's at the cockpit of the Lion. Ulaz definitely had something special on him, saving the Blades from this disease, saving Shiro from the Galra. Saving them from the beast that cornered them. Full of determination and not giving up.

 

Victory or death.

Keith suddenly finds himself way more interested on that side than the self preservation Kolivan insisted on pushing to him. He grips the commands as he thinks on this. He won't stop, no matter what. Finding him will be his victory.

 

He's ready to face death.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!!!  
> It's been a long since I dropped by here and it seems like I only add a chapter whenever a season shakes our world. This will change, I promise.  
> For those who'd been patient enough to stick around until this: Thank you!  
> And for those who are barely joining, hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> As always, feel free to comment, share and please please hit that kudos button! 
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	6. So fuck you, you can go cry me an ocean

It becomes part of their routine. Flowers lose the effect a couple of cycles once the cat is out of the box, and it merges into the things that build the facts they have to sail through just as everything had done before. It has become a minor issue, and Keith is glad about that. Finding petals around the Castle is just as special as finding hair on the floor, no one comments on that because is something that happens. It just happens.

 

He's still impressed by how fast they can move on from one thing to another, though this time he can find himself wanting to do the same. 

 

It's better if it feels normal, it's better than being judged or getting looks as if he had grown a tail or was completely purple. It's routine.

 

Distress calls are something they're used to receive as well. Still, they come at any hour and so unexpected that a single signal can make them jump through the Universe to fight for what it's right and try to bring freedom to the planet that needs them. They're moving bit by bit towards the balance the Universe needs and had kept them working since day one. 

 

 

Blessed routine mixed with the comfort of proper adrenaline and bits of hope.

 

 

Keith knows this. He's became an expert in hope during these past months, maybe he'd been dragging some practice from before all of this happened. And now, he's sure hope is poison.

 

Hope got him expeled. Hope has been keeping him out of bed and into the Black Lion's cockpit for hours completely replacing self care. Hope is pushing him forward. Hope doesn't care how tired moving forward makes him, hope doesn't care about how he's getting torn apart.

 

 

As soon as they identify the signal as an Altean distress call, Keith knows what hope will do to the Princess. He knows that even when the team insist on having him, as the leader, being the one taking care of decision making there's nothing he can do to make them stop and rethink the situation in front of them before jumping into it.

 

The team follows Allura's lead without question and Voltron crosses the light that has the ship that sent the signal trapped. As soon as they're on the other side, they lose sight of the Castle and end up facing a portion of the Universe they can't recognise. Still, Allura can perfectly identify the ship they're looking at. It's Altean. It makes it worthy of ignoring everything else. 

 

They need to get on board and help whoever had sent the signal to them.

 

The ship seems to be empty. Keith doesn't need to look to know Allura is choking on hope, fighting to keep it together just as he's making up his best to swallow petals down his throat.

 

"Who else feels like this is a haunted ship? No one? Is it just me?" Hunk's nervous ranting is the usual but this time Keith feels tempted to agree.

 

 

Something is terribly off in this whole thing.

 

 

"I still can't make communications connect with the Castle" Pidge adds.

 

Keith tries himself but nothing's in there. He tries with the Blade's channel too but it's the same still line of silence from before. Definitely off.

 

"We'll find a way to contact with Coran once we're done here" Allura shakes it off and keeps looking through the dark aisles of the ship.

 

"Keep trying" Keith tells Pidge and follows Allura.

 

They make it to what must be the Bridge and switch gravity and lights on. Thanks to their armour's propellers they land with the same grace a few red petals around them do, but some pieces of the ship and junk make loud noises as they hit the floor, giving the ship an even more intense desolated look.

 

The last record saved in the ship's database is just as distressing as the signal they picked, so it is to find a dead body in the Bridge. Keith could have had imagined that, but there's nothing to prepare him for what happens next.

 

They get attacked by two masked intruders. After managing to break their helmets they get to see who these guys are. Keith can't breathe.

 

 

Shiro. That's Shiro, his height, his long nose, Shiro's jawline and strong expression. His hair is longer and his scar is gone, but it's him. He's been looking for months, worried, sick and terrified and now he's there. Right there before his eyes.

 

 

Keith makes his bayard disappear and holds his hands up as though surrendering, Shiro doesn't have his gun and it's not close enough to do something threatening, but Keith knows how strong he is. How confused he must be if he's attacking them.

 

"Shiro, please, calm down" Keith pleads and the familiar scratch climbs to his throat once more. It's clawing it's way up this time.

 

"My name is not Shiro" He replies and even when his words stress and fall in a different rhythm, it's his voice and it's his expression. It's him, it has to be him.

 

"Yes, can't you remember?" Lance points out. "You're our friend, our leader, a Paladin of Voltron. And that's Slav, he's crazy and always talking about different realities!" 

 

"That's him." Shiro acknowledges. "How do you know them?"

 

 

Everyone is talking around them and Keith's fascinated by how every little detail on him is just equal to Shiro, his movements, his stance, his frown... Looking is killing him, making him way too conscious of his own breathing and losing the fight against his coughing.

 

 

"This must be an alternate reality!" Pidge and Slav speak at the same time after all the ranting around. 

 

An alternate reality would explain why Shiro couldn't recognize his own name, why he didn't know them, but that cannot explain why Keith's heart is racing as though this was the Shiro he had always knew. He can't speak, he can barely process what was happening before the alarms start to fill the room they're in. Before Slav and Shiro start to find a way out while Lance keeps trying to convince Shiro of who he thinks he is. 

 

"I've never seen any of you before! And I would die before getting captured by alteans!" Slav says dramatically.

 

"Alteans?" Allura repeats, completely shocked by it.

 

"Slav, the ship's here, they're boarding this one."

 

"More alteans! We have to go, Sven."

 

"There are more?" Allura can't help her surprise and Keith can tell hope has swallowed everything in her right then.

 

 

They all hear the alarms get louder and the rough footsteps getting closer. Shiro and Slav pile up, getting the scientist's long body to open one of the tiles on the ceiling before he sneaks in to pull Shiro up and escape. Keith won't stay still and watch him disappear. He wont lose him again, he needs answers and it feels like the only way to clear his mind.

 

 

"Wait!"He uses his propeller and follows them in, ignoring the voices from his team and getting locked with Slav and Shiro.

 

It's dark but he manages to spot them, approaching behind. He's too drawn to the familiar feeling of his presence to attend the clearer differences. It's just been too long since he saw him last he's really desperate to have a hold of whatever remains of him. This alternate reality Shiro seems to be enough at the moment.

 

"Wait, Shiro!" Keith finally reaches for his arm.

 

"I'm not Shiro, I just told you, now let go!"

 

"Sven, quiet!" Slav scolds him and keeps moving.

 

They're inside a dark and cramped space, it's spacious enough to crawl but not to try and stand up. They move before Keith but after he touched Shiro -Sven- he had slowed down as Keith follows closer.

 

"Sven?" Keith repeats and his voice breaks with an itch easy to identify.

 

"Yes, I've been telling you. My name's not-"

 

Keith's cough interrupts Sven from talking, it's painful and it makes him bent down as he tries to catch his breath. His eyes are shut and he covers his mouth, but the spasm is way too strong, he feels it pulling his throat and scratching from the inside. His back hurts, his hands shake and he's soon tearing up. This is worse than he had ever felt and he regrets not having the anaesthetic Kolivan gave him with him. 

 

"Shut him up!" Slav tells him, getting back to where they are and his voice is just as irritated as it was before. He's mad, desperate.

 

Sven gets closer to Keith, pulls him up to sit upright and presses his hand to his mouth, muffling his cough and cutting the air. 

 

Keith's sure he's going crazy. Sven is just as strong as Shiro, just as warm and he's sure they have the same scent. The tears pooling in his eyes start to roll down and he's unable to point out if they're there because of the effort and pain his body is working through to push those petals out or if it is because of Sven. It doesn't matter how much he enjoys this closure, Keith starts to push him away and tries to take his hand off since he needs to breathe. Once he manages to make Sven let go, he gasps loudly and falls to his knees heaving like a cat before a handful of big red petals comes out of his mouth. Then he goes as silent as his huffed breathing allows him to.

 

"Oh my... Impossible!" Slav pushes Sven aside and gets closer to where Keith's fighting to get some air. "You're Galra? What the quiznak were you doing with the altean?"

 

"Well, they're from a different reality after all, don't they?" Sven adds looking away, vigilant now that Slavs attention is on Keith. "Maybe that's why."

 

"Even so that's unimaginable! An altean working with a Galra... I thought they had learnt their lesson after the Voltron fiasco!"

 

"They said they were with Voltron, maybe they didn't really learn a thing."

 

"Why do you call Voltron that?" Keith asked with rough and dry voice. 

 

"Alteans used it to exterminate Galra in the name of a peace they will never truly give." Slav told him. "They said it was the only way to find balance after all the destruction the Galra extended with their Empire, but Alteans are doing the same thing. But we don't have time for this! We have to move, this is our chance to strike."

 

Slav hurries them both and they're about to leave and resume their escape when Keith reaches for Sven's arm again. 

 

"Wait! Don't leave!" 

 

Sven stops, Keith's holding his arm and looking at him with a plea that's clear even in the middle of the dark. Sven tries to push him away but his grip is strong. 

 

"Sven!" Slav hurries him, moving through the path they're trapped in.

 

"Go ahead, I'll catch up." Sven tells Slav, staying with Keith.

 

 Slav and Sven fight for a while, but Keith can really pay attention to what they're saying. He doesn't care. He only sees Sven staying, choosing to stay with him instead of leaving. Keith's heart is racing, his breath is itching and he feels like this could make up for all the weeks he's spent missing him. 

 

 

Slav leaves, rushing forward and getting lost in the darkness.

 

 

Keith takes hope as his placebo once again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"The only Galra we knew that had that thing you have died." Sven tells him and it's not relaxing at all, even when it's not novelty.

 

He already knows he's closer to ending like that than saving himself, at this rate. He could only take a deep breath and hope it won't get worse while they sneak out to place explosives on the ship that just boarded the one they found. Keith feels calmer than he had been in weeks, just listening to his voice and looking at his frame beside him manages to pull the same reactions Shiro used to do. But the pain he feels after each time he has to force his voice to call him 'Sven' it's way too strong. 

 

 

Still, this is better than nothing. It's the closer he has felt to normality. 

 

 

"Do you know how long did they had it before dying?" Keith asks.

 

"No... It wasn't nice to see, though. At the end they couldn't even walk, what to say about eating or speaking." Sven reaches for Keith's hand to keep him close to their route and well hidden beside the ship. "I never got to know why was it happening... You mind telling me?"

 

Keith looks at him and he wants to tell him but it's hard to voice it out himself. But this is someone he feels he can trust more than he trusted Kolivan... And this isn't something that new for Sven, they're sharing what they know about this after all.

 

"It's... It happens when Galra are in love..." 

 

"Oh... Maybe that's why they didn't seem to be the lovey dovey type at all."

 

Keith stays quiet as the beeping of the bomb's clocks tick near them, blurred by their helmets and space itself. Sven gets closer to him again and touches his arms, his hand brushing up his forearm and automatically getting all of Keith's attention. 

 

 

"Then... You are, aren't you? In love."

 

 

The way Sven looks at him and his voice softens when he says that makes Keith feel weak. Makes him regret his silence and not being capable enough to identify his own feelings back then when he could do something about them. At least getting rejected properly...

 

 

What would Shiro do if he knew this? If he knew he was dying for him? 

 

A part of him keeps telling he'd give him pity, maybe he'd feel guilty and would try to love him back only to save him. Maybe it would work. He's been telling himself he couldn't be saved, but he's sure that it's only because Shiro isn't there. In fact, when he knew this he thought on telling... Though now he's not sure if that thought was because of fear of death or that he truly felt he had a chance. 

 

 "Lets go in again" Sven says and drags Keith along so they can leave the explosion area. 

 

 Once they're inside, Keith feels the itch again and starts to cough. He tries to muffle the sound by himself but it's just as rough as it was before, his scratches and burns and everything hurts as he bents down to push the petals out. They're bigger, almost tied together. When he thinks it's over his breath stumbles and starts coughing again. This time, Sven holds him close to try and make pain stop, make everything ease and help him try and catch his breath. Empathy. 

 

 

Just like Shiro would do if he was the one looking at him like that. 

 

 

Even if Shiro doesn't love him, Keith's sure he'd try and find a way to stop his hurting. He had always been so caring. Shiro had always looked at the bright side for him, just like Keith tried to do for him as well. 

 

Maybe the only thing he needed was believing he'd be saved. Maybe, if he is convinced of it, he'll feel satisfied and saved with the simplest of love gestures...

 

Maybe the only thing he needs is to stop being scared. To stop letting those petals control him. Galra things are always tied to control, more or less. It would work.

 

"Easy...easy..." Sven mumbles and rubs Keith's back as he stays still, panting after this had attacked him. He's gentle, he's so much like him Keith's being killed by him. 

 

 

Just as he's being killed by someone who's not even there. 

 

 

Sven starts to pull away and the only thing Keith thinks on doing is holding on to him. He doesn't want to feel alone and cold again. 

 

"Sven, I know someone who's like you in my reality." Keith tells him, leaning a bit closer. "Do you know anyone who's like me in yours?" 

 

Sven looks at him for a while, it's dark around them but they have a few more lights than they had in the tunnels. Keith looks at him in the eye, then his eyes start to wander down his face, his cheeks, his lips, neck and all the way back up again. Sven is thinking, his lips are pressed together and he has the subtle frown Shiro has whenever he's doing the same thing. 

 

Keith leans a bit closer, and closer. Sven stops thinking but stays focused on him. Then he's leaning in too. 

 

Keith's heart is racing, it's begging and breaking at the same time, and he's too desperate to think on anything before he closes his eyes and his hand goes to Sven's shoulder. He's been too scared, too lonely to leave this chance. He doesn't really care if it works or not, if it saves him or not, he's only doing this because he can't stand the feeling of not knowing how it feels. He wants this, he's been wanting this for years, even before he knew he did! 

 

 He's tired. He's too tired to hold back so he doesn't. 

 

 

_Fuck it._

 

Fuck the flowers and the sickness. Fuck the realities, if this is the only way he'll have him, then he'd better take it before the Universe takes his opportunity like it did before.

 

Keith presses his lips to Sven's, and even he finds a bit of resistance, it only takes a nibble for him to give in and follow what Keith's doing. He kisses him like he had been thinking on kissing Shiro, he holds on to him, crossing his arms over those broad shoulders and leaning in to his warmth. Sven moves closer, he chases Keith instead of pulling him, he's actively pushing Keith to the wall and he's melting, and solid, and everything at the same time. Keith keeps his eyes closed as his hands manage to touch his back and the soft curve of his sides. Sven's hair is long, it tickles on his face and he wonders if he'd feel this or even more sensible if it was Shiro. He's not sure. The only thing he's sure about is he'd love it. 

 

He wants this to happen. He wants Shiro to know about it, he wants to tell him, or that he finds out, that he find him talking to him in his sleep or looking at him. He wants Shiro more than ever. And he has this... He has Sven for now. 

 

He feels higher and higher as Sven's hands touch his face, guiding their kisses, as he presses his chest to keep him in place. He's giving him everything he wanted. And Keith feels safe, he's all right... for a few minutes everything seems to work and it's all he needs. And he begs, to whoever is listening as he holds on and lets his hands tangle Sven's hair.

_Please, let me have this. Give me more time so I can really have this. Give him back to me..._

 

 

And he gasps, he opens his eyes and finds Sven's, looking at him with the same strength he always sees in that colour... And he's defeated. 

 

 "I love you" Keith whispers, and the moment those words leave his mouth so does air. 

 

Sven leans in again and kisses him breathless. Keith keeps his eyes closed and focuses on that, the feeling of confessing and getting a kiss to seal his words. He knows what those lips are hiding as they part for him. He knows that behind that kiss he can't find the answer he wants.

 

Then a sharp pain slices his insides and cuts his air completely. It forces him to push Sven before he starts coughing again. Violently. Hurting. Keith faces the floor again and keeps heaving, it hurts and he knows there's something in there refusing to come out.

 

He hears Sven worrying, feels his big hands in his back and arms trying to support him but there's nothing he can do. His back hurts and his arms are shaking and his eyes tear up as his body fights.

 

 

When it finally comes out, the handful of red looks more like an actual flower and less than petals.

 

 

Hope has fooled him again and this time the slap of truth in his face hurts way more than ever.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 Alteans end up being the villains Slav and Sven were trying to prove they were. Lance confirms it through the communication to Keith while rushing to stop Allura from listening to any more of their words. For once, Keith feels like the leader he should be, and he also feels like failing when he stays hidden with Sven instead of going to stop the Alteans along with Lance. The fact that he had contacted him to explain and not Allura lets him know Lance was also doubting the Princess' plan and it somehow reassures his confidence. 

 

Sven helps Keith go where the Alteans are, they know for sure there'll be a battle but Keith'd rather fight it along his team. 

 

 Sven gets shoot helping them escape. They can't really do anything but trust Slav when he says he'll take care of him. Keith's scared, hurt. He doesn't want to think it had been relieving that Shiro had just vanished instead of getting to see him dangerously wounded, but it requires a lot for him to keep going and acknowledge Sven's sacrifice for them instead os staying with him.  

 

It's Lance the one to drag him all the way to where they left the Lions. They form Voltron, take the comet and leave that place back to their own reality.

 

Keith's cough gets violent again, he can barely focus on what's going on before he realises Voltron is not moving and the comet is being stolen from them.

 

The first thing he does when they reach the Castle is rush into his room and with shaky hands he injects the analgesic straight in his arm. Complete dose.

 

* * *

 

 

"That was irresponsable," Kolivan tells him the next time he's at the Castle. He hands him a large package with the same analgesic he got the first time. 

 

Keith takes it without looking at his face. 

 

"I wanted to know if I could do it," he replies and knows it's the worst excuse he could think of. 

 

"You said they were more alike to flowers this time and you're taking the complete dose, it doesn't matter if you can do it or not if you haven't found him yet," Kolivan scolds him.

 

"I told you I'm going to find him!"

 

"And then what? You're going to tell him that first thing as soon as you find him? At this rate you'd be barely able to speak by the time that happens"

 

_And even if you do it, you already know his answer._

 

 

Neither of them said that, but Keith felt it hidden behind his words.

 

"How long has it been?" Kolivan asks after a pause that could have been easily replaced by a sigh. 

 

"A month or so," at least since the last time Kolivan showed up in the Castle with medicine for him. 

 

"A month and they're evolving to flowers already..."

 

"Is it fast? It feels like an eternity for me."

 

"Because you barely sleep and that makes your perception of time to complicate," Kolivan looks down to him. Keith knows he's scolding him but there's a breath of worry in his tone that's new.

 

 

Then there's silence. It scares Keith. 

 

 

He's running out of time, he can feel it, and he knows Kolivan doesn't dare to say it. He's looking at Keith, and Kolivan's gaze it's probably the softest he's ever seen on him. 

 

"Keith, you're sick," he tells him, getting a bit closer. "Rest and eat properly. Look for him, keep on doing it, but don't do this to yourself, don't do it like this. You need to be healthy enough to talk to him once you find him, don't kill yourself trying."

 

"That's not what it is."

 

"It is."

 

 

Kolivan places a hand on his shoulder and gives him the _I've-found-a-surgeon-for-you_ look. Keith replies with his _no-thanks_ look.

 

 

Each meeting it's the same. Each day it's the same. Keith goes out looking for Shiro with a feeling of not making anything again and then he's invaded by a sudden wave of crazy hope that tells him it is the day, he'll find him that day... 

 

Hope is just as bitter as it always is.

 

Each day it's the same routine. Until it isn't.

 

Keith starts to cough more, petals stick together stronger each day and coughing them out it's giving him a permanent back ache. it happens any time and he's missing those times in when at least he could sleep without this. Now he wakes up in the middle of the night because he can't breathe, and he knows that even when Lance is the only one that goes to his room and tries to ease his pain and help him sleep, all the others are awake as well. 

 

One day petals are almost gone an replaced by flowers. It's harder each time, worthy of a dose and a half, says Kolivan. Keith knows he means worthy of an operation his still trying to convince Keith to take. 

 

Keith's scared he may die sooner than he thought. He's scared he might die without seeing Shiro again. 

Hope is getting thinner, it's getting buried under a pile of all those flowers inside his throat.

 

 

Red roses frighten all of the members if the crew... Keith never thought it may happen.

 

 

They go to Thayserix, a planet they've tracked Lotor to. They fight as usual. Keith's filling himself with painkillers but manages to stay focused during battle. Seems like they don't have any side effect as earthling painkillers did. They go back to the Castle after Lotor escapes like it always happens. 

 

 

Keith doesn't want to come out of the Lion.

 

 

He's this close to giving up. He cries, immediately regretting even looking to that train of thoughts. He's just scared of dying.

 

 

He's even more scared because he feels closer to death with each breath he misses. 

 

Four days after the fight at Thayserix, Keith goes out once again. He goes close the planet, not too much but he's on the same direction. Space is empty and vast, just as it always is...

 

For the first time in months his Lion picks up on a signal.

 

Keith's terrified, but hope has always been faster than fear and he's soon heading towards the signal. It's a Galra ship, floating without direction and visibly inactive. The Black Lion slows down and Keith wants to go out and tear the ship with his own hands so he can see what's inside, but taking the ship in seems like a better option. The Lion takes it in his mouth and goes back to the Castle with it. He stops at the usual spot on the hangar. 

 

It's late, night time cycle has been active for vargas and the only one awake is Coran, who rushes there as soon as he sees the Lion's back in the Castle. when he comes down he finds Keith is not in his Lion but in the ship he brought inside the Castle. He follows a path marked by a few flowers and he finds more in his way in to the cockpit. Once he's in there, his breath goes dry. 

 

Keith's inside, kneeling before the pilot seat and he's crying, loudly, sobbing and shaking. There are flowers under his knees and over the pilot's thighs. Keith's holding on to him, his head buried beside the pilot's head and his arms hols him over his shoulders.

 

_Unbelievable._

 

He's there, unconscious of the scene he's part of.  His face looks a bit thinner, his hair is longer and even when his frame is still broad he looks weaker, but it's him. 

The way Keith cries and the way he refuses to let go it's proof enough of it. It's him, there's no one else that could make him get like that, taking all of those mixed emotions to fit into something that looks more like a crazy rampage of despair but that can only be fit into what must be relief. 

 

And so it's Hope, stepping aside and leaving the spotlight to Relief. 

 

And that's him, Coran confirms once he manages to make Keith move aside for at least a tick before he goes back to hold him.

 

_Him._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realised I only post a new chapter when a season is about to drop...  
> This is the last time it can happen and it feels really bad. I will miss waiting for a new season.  
> And also, that habit has to change. And it will.  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.


	7. You are what you love, not who loves you

It's been exhausting. Months of pushing through lots of difficulties, fighting enemies that keep on upping them, confusing them and tearing the small bits of stability they manage to find. Months of filling himself with painkillers, of losing sleep, losing weigh, losing everything in order to get back his everything. 

 

And now he's there. 

 

Lights are gone, there's only that soft lilac veil reminding him darkness is not complete inside those walls, that they're safe, that he's safe. Keith has memorised the feeling of it, after all those nights when he couldn't even keep his eyes closed enough to find some rest or being interrupted in the middle of it to catch his breath. It's cold, it extends further than the walls and makes the air feel drier than usual, drier than it feels inside his throat. But not tonight. 

There's warmth in the middle of all that emptiness, warmth in the soft breath brushing his chest barely above the thin fabric covering him, warm skin holding him close and nested in need of safety, warmth inside his chest as it settles with what he'd been desperately looking for. He holds Shiro and stays alert even when he knows nothing will harm him in there, not while he's watching. Not while he's in his reach. 

He keeps his eyes open, his lips pressed and doesn't really care how hard his heart is beating, how sharp something seems to pierce through it with every breath he takes. He can't even see his face, he knows Shiro must be too tired to notice, too tired to mind sleeping like this, curled in his arms and loosely holding Keith. It may be not the first time they shared a bed, but it is this close. It is since Keith realised what he had been carrying inside of him all along. 

 

Shiro's hair is longer, tangled everywhere and Keith feels it near his face and tickling his neck. His arm is going numb supporting Shiro's head but there's no way he'd move form where he stays. 

Shiro is quiet. He's still. Keith is surprised there hadn't been any sign of nightmares yet, he knows he had them the first time they reunited and it may be another reason to why he can't allow himself to sleep. The other is alarming to himself. Visible whenever it gets him. Loud. 

 

He's been lucky Shiro hadn't seen the flowers when he woke up, neither when they got to the room. He's been lucky it hadn't happened now that they're so close, when he'd definitely wake him up. 

 

It's getting harder each time. They're flowers now and pushing them out it's not an easy task. It takes a lot of effort and there's no way he can do it quietly or without having to let go of him. There are already a few laying somewhere in the messy sheets of the bed, Keith's looking at one right then, right behind Shiro's head and he can't take the image off his head. Laying with him in a bed of roses because of love... It's ridiculous.

 

 

It's too ridiculous it is painful. 

 

 

Keith sighs and closes his eyes for a second, moving closer to Shiro, he only needs to shift a bit to shake stiffness form his body, but the way Shiro adapts and shamelessly cuddles back to his warmth hits him hard. When he opens his eyes again he wants to cry. He's a coward, Kolivan was right from the beginning. Even if he managed to find Shiro, speaking out his feelings was a completely different task. One he may not be able to do.

He's a fool, holding him close for the sake of his own self preservation. He's a bigger fool telling himself it's because of it that he's holding him that tightly. 

 

He'd always been ready to sacrifice himself for Shiro's safety. Self preservation wasn't an option... 

 

Keith is tired, he's been neglecting sleep for so long it's easy to get crushed by it, but he makes his best to resist. He closes his eyes for a bit only to stop the burning sensation in them and he opens them again because of that same itch crawling up his throat and pulling his back. He gets up, carefully untangles himself from Shiro's hold and rushes to the bathroom as fast as possible. He crumbles with the first spasm, falling to his knees and holding on to the sink. He's weaker each time it happens. 

 

Cough twists everything, it pulls his very core and tenses his entire body, fighting to get the thing out of him. He heaves, he coughs and his eyes tear as he tries and tries. He fights it, he tries to relax and let his body do as it feels right but nothing works. He's losing air and tearing his throat from the inside. He clutches the sink, facing down to make it easier, he's gasping, he's wishing he could just push his hand down his throat and pull the fucking thing out himself. 

It comes out, falling to the floor as a red wet mess. It's smaller than it felt while it was choking him. 

Keith stays there, knelt on the cold floor and breathing slowly. His throat feels closed, tight, he swears he can feel scratches as he breathes in and out but he cannot tell. Maybe it is true. 

He waits a bit longer before getting up and walk back to bed. He takes a complete and a half doze of the injection Kolivan brought earlier for him and crawls back to Shiro's side. He's still asleep, curled in himself and its a surprisingly adorable image. He's just as strong as before though it's clear he'd lost a bit of weigh. He has new scars, it would be hard to tell with all the other lines he had before but Keith knows. He just knows. 

 

He gets back to where he laid before, and as soon as he gets closer Shiro does too, holding and pulling him in a capricious grip. Keith does the same, cradling his head and surrounding his shoulders in his arms. Shiro's fingers fidget near his back, his thumb brushes his body every now and then and Keith really wants to sink in the calm of it. He really wants to just let go and relax, to enjoy this, having Shiro in his arms but his chest feels so tight it is impossible. He bites his lip and wishes for the night cycle to end faster, at least he'd be able to hide this thing better if he's able to leave. 

 

He wishes for it to never end at the same time. He wants to extend that subtle safety for a few more minutes...

 

* * *

 

It is something he should had seen it coming. They fight. It's not a fight as 'fight' sounds, but they can't find a way to balance what they're into, the new roles they have and how this is supposed to work. Bickering. It had been years since they last bickered like this. It had been a long time since Shiro used ranks or called orders on him. 

 

The issue with the ship and the piece of the Teludav Lotor was trying to steal had been just the first of those fights.

 

Even when Keith doesn't want to be the leader he's used to it now, and he only realises it on the way he finds difficulties on following Shiro's plans. He wants him to lead, he had always wanted that but since he's the one actually flying the Black Lion out there he wants to have a say on the matter and it's not easy to see his teammates wanting to work with a different point when they insisted so much on having him leading. It's like they had forgotten. 

 

How they denied to go and look out. How they fought to get the Black Lion's command. They all forgot how hard it was to lose Shiro just because he's back. 

 

Maybe Keith's so frustrated 'cause it's not that easy for him to forget about it. 

 

"You're using more than what I told you to. Should I asume you realised it's not as easy as you thought it would be?" Kolivan scolds him through the comms channel they've been using. It gets more and more complicated for him to reach the Castle or get back to Olkarion with the rest of the coalition since the Blade members are always busy from here to there, but he's managed to find a way to keep an eye on Keith's condition.

 

He's alone. It had been harder since Shiro is back to his seat in the meeting room and he's concerned on why Keith's always disappearing, but they had managed to find a way to make it work. Just as he spent a few of his sleep hours to look for Shiro he can use it now to speak to Kolivan in peace, if it counts as peace with the issue they're always talking about.  

 

 

He's right. It's not easy to find a way to tell him. 

 

 

They have been discussing so much lately and Keith's even more certain there's no way Shiro would say something positive if he knew about his feelings. He's supportive most of the times, which means he's the one to get closer and try to apologise first. It doesn't mean Keith doesn't want to make things up himself, it's just that he's terrified he has one of those rough lapses pushing out flowers if he tries.

 

It had only happened once. They were talking about why the Black Lion wouldn't accept Shiro, Keith was trying to convince him to try again and Shiro was trying himself to convince Keith to stop trying. They had to focus on working with what they had instead of trying to force things to go back to how they were. Keith insisted again and again, he had good reasons, he knew the team valued Shiro's leadership way more than Keith's, he knew they needed Shiro's guidance, his strength, his selflessness to keep their spirits up, to help... But Shiro kept on telling Keith could do it. 

He can't. The one who needed all of that form Shiro was Keith, he can't lead because he needs Shiro to do it. 

He was desperate trying to make his point, Shiro was rising his voice more and more as Keith did the same, and he couldn't keep up. He bent down and choked with his own air, with the flowers inside his body. Shiro tried to help, he was scared, he tried to help him up to breathe, but the only thing Keith could do was squeeze his hand until the flowers torn his throat and came out of there. 

 

 _It's hard to explain. It's just a Galra thing that happened while you were away. I'm taking care of it, Kolivan is helping_... They were all excuses and he could have had saved it all by simply saying it out loud. Confessing. 

 

But he couldn't. 

 

Not when Shiro didn't ask, not when Shiro was satisfied with his weak excuses and moved on to the theme they were discussing earlier. Not when he was this cold to him. 

He thought it would be easier when he'd find Shiro. It's just way more complicated now. 

 

"They're flowers now, about this size." Keith explains with his hands, Kolivan looks as serious as ever.

"Get an image. And-"

"No operation."

"Fine. Get an image so we can calculate how many vargas you have left, is that what you want?" 

 

Hours. Not months, weeks, not even days... _Hours_. Keith feels blood freezing inside of him and his breath slowing more than usual. Kolivan stays still in the projection in front of him, he lets out a sigh, making him look up to his face. He really wants to hear it was a joke, even though he's sure Kolivan never jokes... But he needs to know it. 

 

"Listen, Keith. There's still a chance of making things right. I know you don't want the operation and you may have your own reasons for it, but you have to understand you're getting closer to a point in which your reasons won't matter and you will simply kill yourself. I insisted before because it was hard to believe you'd find him but now you had and he's there..."

"There must be something else I can do." Keith speaks and hears his own voice different from how he remembers, it's breaking. He's scared. 

 

Terrified. 

 

He's dying. Now he really is dying...

Hours must have been an exaggeration but still... What if he reaches the point in which he'd only have _hours_ left? Kolivan said it because he's crossing that line, he's sure. He can feel that whenever he has to fight to keep breathing while there are flowers coming out of him. 

And they're not even full bloomed roses, they're closed, small and tearing him each time. He doesn't want to imagine what will happen when they get bigger. But still, he's reluctant to _do_ something about it.

 

"I will try to go back to Olkarion before the next movement. Make sure you're still there so I can see how bad this is getting," Kolivan tells him and Keith is sure the frown in his face is deeper than usual. "I'll try to find another option but you must know it would be just as temporary as the injections I gave you."

"You should also bring some more." Keith asks looking away. Kolivan sighs again. 

"You should try and use less of it. I can't keep on changing courses just to get you that."

 

It's easy to tell what goes implicit behind his tone. Keith's tempted to roll his eyes.

 

"I'll stay close to Olkarion, contact me before coming." Keith turns the comms off and drops himself in bed. 

 

He manages to sleep for a few hours before waking up as usual, falling down his bed to cough like a maniac. He thinks of the hours he has left and effectively pulls himself away from any chances of sleeping again. 

 

* * *

 

They all know he's sick. Keith's been having trouble to keep up with fighting outside the Lions, his losing strength and his stamina is not the same it was before. He pushes his limits to compensate for that but he always end up exhausted and crawling out of the Lion to get one of those needles to pierce his skin as fast as possible. He barely eats, not because he's lost apetite but because he just can't. 

 

His throat hurts whenever he swallows, his stomach feels tied with the force of each time he has to cough, he's tired... 

 

"I got some food goo for you, buddy," Hunk shows up at his door one night after Keith skipped dinner because it looked way too hard to swallow. He doesn't want to admit it but maybe the goo's texture is just what he needs and he's glad Hunk had thought on that. 

It's been a long since the last time he felt they cared. It's not that he doesn't want them caring about Shiro instead -He's doing the same thing- but it is a surprise. All of them take turns to talk to him, Coran tells him he's been trying to find some information they can use in the Castle's files, he has lots of things archived back from where Alfor and Zarkon worked together so he just tries and keeps on hoping it may work for something. Allura tries to make him feel better and coax him to relax, to lend some of his duties to her or Shiro so he can rest and compensate the sleep he's been clearly losing. Pidge tells him jokes, even Lance is worried, he's the one that spends most of his time checking on him, talking to him, sharing his own worries not only about his state but the situation they're facing as a team. He seems to take the whole 'Right-hand-of-Voltron' quite seriously and Keith is grateful whenever he comes in to talk about that, whenever he calls him leader... It's nice to be after how hard they all insisted and it's crazy he's finally having an actual bond with him in this scenario.

 

It is crazier that Shiro doesn't show up a single time. 

 

* * *

 

 

Olkarion has become the very core of the Voltron coalition so it is not crazy to attend a call from the Blade of Marmora to meet up in there. Kolivan talks to Shiro face to face for the first time in months, they resume the situation the Blade is in and how many members they've been losing lately, how many of them are focused on longer missions and the need of a change in their rhythm comes out of the box. There's nothing they can do but he still feels the need to inform them, as their allies, both parts need to do what they can and can not do, just as they informed them of the position they were when there was no Black Paladin around. It goes well, Shiro is cold, not as cold as Kolivan himself but he stays firm on the position Voltron is. 

 

Keith isn't. 

 

Kolivan didn't say it before, not as explicit as he made it during the meeting and right after Kolivan takes a look at the most recent image of his lungs, Keith decides he can offer a hand. Kolivan accepts it. 

 

"The suit will adapt to assist you while you're in this position," he explains as he looks at the traces of thicker lines curling inside Keith's lungs. "It can inject the necessary doze of painkillers to the wearer and also silences and relieves the effort of coughing. It will make you efficient again for a little longer."

 

If he joined Kolivan he'd definitely be more useful than he is in this state. He knows he's just buying time but he doesn't care. It might be exactly what he wanted all along. 

It takes a while but they manage to convince Shiro it is a good idea. Kolivan and Keith use the card of the support the Blade needed and the chances of improving if he uses it as training and get involved with the seek of information in first hand. Shiro accepts, he admits he's not the one to give Keith any kind of permission, but that he's glad he consulted it with him anyway. 

 

Hes supportive again. He smiles again. 

 

Keith chokes again. 

 

* * *

 

 "Good job out there, Keith," Shiro greets him after a hard mission. They're all getting off their Lions and Keith just dropped himself in one of the enormous claws of the Black Lion. 

 

He lifts his head enough to see Shiro coming, he's smiling and it's enough to both relax him and make his stomach knot inside of him. Keith sighs and a soft smile crosses his face. He closes his eyes and stays like that for a while, then he shivers at the familiar feeling of a hand running through his hair. 

"You should get in and rest properly somewhere else, don't you think?" Shiro asks with a soft tone, he's half concerned and half joking. 

"I'm just... Bonding with the Black Lion I guess. Wanna join us?" 

 

Shiro laughs under his breath and lazily slaps his forehead. Keith complains and rolls to his side, looking at him from the height he is. It didn't hurt, and when he sees Shiro's eyes on him he forgets about the irritation that threatened to crawl to his head. 

 

"Coran told me he wanted to help all of you relax. He found some movies and made some sort of pillow fort at the lounge. Want to join?" Shiro asks him looking up at him, he lets his eyes wander up to the Black Lion.

"That wasn't his idea wasn't it?" 

 

Shiro shrugs at the comment and rests against the Lion. Keith sits up and then makes his way down to stand beside Shiro. 

 

"I don't want to think on what kind of movies he might have." Keith tells him crossing his arms, he can't help the smile.

"Does it matter? It's just for the sake of taking a break. You all need a break, Kolivan barely lets you to breathe."

 

It is not Kolivan the one he's losing his breath for.

 

Maybe it won't hurt, maybe Shiro is right and they all need to disconnect for at least one night. Hopefully, nothing will happen, they have enough time without any news of Lotor and it's better like that, it could be a good sign for now. It's just a night cycle...

 

They walk to the lounge together, Shiro ends up following to the armoury and waits for him to leave the helmet and all the pieces in there while they talk. It's relieving, apparently Shiro's been feeling the strange distance between them lately and even when he wasn't quick to do something about it he notices it is bothering Keith. He even admits it also is making him feel uncomfortable some times. 

Shiro asks why he's wearing the Marmora's suit underneath the armour instead of the regular bodysuit but Keith just shrugs and leaves to the lounge behind the mask of a race. They're the last to reach the place and apparently Coran is unable to find a movie that lastes less than 3 vargas. Allura seems to be excited to have this late connection with Altean customs and they all believe on her words telling it won't be that bad. 

 

Turns out, it is. 

 

Allura is the first one to fall asleep, lulled by the soft background music and the weigh of all the battles they've been through this last days. The next ones are Pidge and Hunk, curled together and finally giving up to guess the plot or make up dialogues since they can understand a single word of the altean actors. Lance falls asleep in the middle of a fight with Coran, arguing about the movie, after enjoying his victory, Coran stands up as discretely as he can and takes Allura to her room. He doesn't come back.

Keith spends most of the movie sitting on the floor with Shiro on his side, he closes his eyes for a second and rests his head on Shiro's shoulder but after a longer pause he can't admit he notices he's laying on Shiro's chest while he rests surrounded by pillows on the floor. He's embarrassed of it, his short pause was for sure a little nap and he had even drooled on Shiro's shirt.

 

"It's fine, really, I'm surprised you haven't gone back to your room yet." Shiro tells him sitting up too. 

"I... I wasn't that tired, it's just the movie. I can't catch up with it, how can you do it?" 

"I tried to follow Hunk and Pidge's ideas... It's not that bad." Shiro smiles but then a yawn interrupts him. "Ok, it is a bit boring..." 

"No one's forcing you to stay awake, oldtimer." Keith teases with a smile.

 

Shiro nudges him and a second yawn makes Keith's laughter fill the room. The others are way gone in their sleep and don't even flinch at the sound. Shiro does, he laughs as soon as the yawn is gone. Then he sighs, rests back on the couch behind them and closes his eyes with a soft smile in his face. The lights hit them in different pauses, the screen lights Shiro's face in a way Keith is sure can only be possible in his imagination.

Keith can't help but stare at his calm expression. It's just like it felt back at Olkarion when he first found the petals coming out of him. It's stupid to think it was the sight that made him fall in love with him when it's clear he had been falling since the moment he shook his hand at Iverson's office, but it could really make him fall all over again. It's stupid to think he'd ever stop falling.

He remembers the pain he's been feeling lately and the way he gets tired by the simplest of things but there's nothing else he'd imagine he'd be doing. He recalls Kolivan's words, his concern and his own fear as this escalated. It all fades on sight of this.

 

 

He's happy. 

 

 

"Shiro, I..." He speaks and only registers it is his own voice speaking when he sees Shiro opening his eyes and sitting upright again. He feels words tying and changing in the last minute. "I'm glad you're back." He repeats his own words from back then at his shack and wonders if his heart was racing like it is right now. If it hurt like it does right now. 

 

Before he can do anything, his hand is getting closer to Shiros, fingers shyly stretching to reach for him. He doesn't look down to their hands until he feels Shiro's fingertips brushing his, his eyes start to burn and his breath stops. 

 

"I feel like I didn't get the chance to thank you properly," Shiro mutters looking down at their hands. "But there's no way I can thank you enough for what you've done for me... I can't believe you found me in first place. And you made your best to keep the team together, you even tracked down Lotor all this time and fought with everything you had even when you got sick. Your relation with the Blade of Marmora is also quite impressive and... You always amaze me, Keith..."

Keith stays quiet and doesn't move from where he is, Shiro's hand gets more and more confident and soon is taking Keith's.  

"I know we've managed to get closer, all of us, since we started to work as a team. We're more than that now, we're like a new family and I really appreciate the way every member of it supports the other and we all keep on moving after the same goal, even when we're not the same. I'm glad I have all of you... But it wouldn't be the entire truth. When it all started and even now, I still feel like... You're the only one I have left."

 

Keith looks up and so does Shiro, their eyes meet and Keith feels everything inside of him stopping, his pulse, his breath even his brain seems to be turned off and the only sense he has left is sight. Shiro's image in front of him is taking everything of him, just like it always happens and for just a second he feels he'd be able to speak. Maybe he'd be able to tell him how he feels after all, maybe they could manage to find a way to thread love between them as everything else had turned to fit so well. 

 

But then that movement inside his chest goes further, and it pierces from the inside, he feels he's losing air and something's coming up his throat. It's not the usual. The suit he's been using numbs most of the things he's been coughing out and now that he's not wearing any of that, that he has no sight of his painkillers near by, that his heart feels exposed and raw, it is tearing him completely from the very core inside of him. He feels his eyes burning, he starts to heave and tries to stand up, he wants to leave since he just knows whatever is happening won't be a nice thing to see. He wants to hide, to escape from Shiro's questions and from that terribly worried expression he already wears in his face as he gets closer and tries to help him catch his breath. 

Keith coughs but nothing comes out, he keeps doing it as his body is forcing him to, he only manages to crawl to the door before he feels his arms this close to giving up and his entire body trembling. It's raw, it feels drier than usual and he knows his face is red and his mouth is opening more than usual, that his body is desperate to get air and keeping it away at the same time. There's something in the way, his throat is completely closed, there's something blocking the way in and refusing to come out. He's crying, shaking and Shiro's beside him calling his name and then calling for assistance. 

 

It forces his entire body, his fingers tense and his back curls as he fights and then it finally gives in. 

 

Keith throws out a disgusting mess of petals and flowers and...

 

He feels sound going static in his ears and he barely registers the feeling of his lungs pulling in some air, the rash feeling of air brushing deep cuts in his throat and how it burns on its way in. It lasts just a second before his body tenses again and another gross handful of petals makes its way out of him. 

It falls with a pained cry from him. He feels weak, dizzy, he doesn't even know why he hasn't fallen down yet but he's sure he's about to. His eyes barely focus and when they do he sees his hands supporting his weigh, he sees flowers, red roses and red stains all over them, on the pointy leaves, the petals, the floor and even his fingers. 

 

_Blood._

 

He lifts his gaze and finds Shiro with authentic fear printed in his face.  _I'm fine_ , his lips try to speak but no sound comes out. Shiro shakes his head and gets closer, holding Keith's weak body in his arms. He keeps telling him help is coming and that he has to stay calm, begging him to hold on, not letting go, not loosing his embrace and Keith is scared of every breath that comes out of himself and he knows. _He knows._

 

He's going to die for him.

 

It hurts, it scares him but there's no way he'd risk to lose this. The sensation of warmth filling his chest just by looking at him, the calm of whenever they speak, the strange tickling that makes his mouth curl into a smile even when he's only thinking on him. The love he feels and knows he's not getting back. He wouldn't sacrifice the only thing that makes any sense in his life. Having his trust, those looks he often gives him, his voice talking to him, his calming presence he's been craving for this past months. He knows the operation would take all of it away, that it would even make his memories and the things he knows about his relationship with Shiro to feel empty and worn and he can't bring himself to let go of them. There's no way he'd rather let go of this pure and bashful happiness to get rid of the pain. Losing this would hurt him even more. 

 

Losing it through an operation, losing it through his own words... 

 

No way. 

 

Maybe it will be better to live a few more months holding on this than letting everything go and having more time ahead. He'd die happy, it shouldn't be that bad. 

 

Besides, he's fine. He's still fine, he's conscious and he's breathing again. He tries to tell that to Shiro and Coran as they take him to the medic bay but he only manages to stop them when they confirm the capsule won't shut for him since there's nothing it can do, there's nothing it can fix on him. 

He tells them he's tired, that he'll just rest and call Kolivan. He's fine. 

 

They don't believe him but they know there's no way they can force him to stay, they can't say a thing. Shiro walks him back to his room and asks him to call if he needs anything. Keith accepts, but they both know there's no way he'd be able to call for help if it happens again. 

 

He's fine. Shiro sighs and lets him sleep by himself. He's not fine. 

 

* * *

 

 They're all mad when he doesn't show up to the show on Reiphod. He doesn't even bother to take the Blade's uniform anymore, he only changes the chest plate and the rest of the pieces he can take off and replaces them with the Paladin armour. He knows that seeing him wander around in that only gets them angrier, but he can't afford taking it off anymore. They don't seem to understand, Keith doesn't want to even explain himself, he's not used to it. 

Regris dies. He almost does. Allura seems to be the only one aware of it and actually tries to speak to him. It's hard to keep walking and shut himself in his quarters and pretend she couldn't get to him when he's deeply moved by her words. By the simple gesture of showing up. By everything else. She was the first to turn her back to him when they discovered his nature and now she's the first one to try and reach for him, to make him feel like he belongs to the team he's been letting down again and again. It's breaking him...

He hopes it is just that easy, that he could just stop and go back to the team but he knows he's closer to be gone for good than to take back his place. He's not only slowly stretching his bond with the Lion in order to break it, he's trying to make things easier for when he's gone. 

 

His pushing so it's gets easier for everyone when they have to turn their backs and keep moving on. 

 

He's planing on going with the Blade, Kolivan and him had been discussing it lately and it seems to be the best option he has, but it's not only because of that. Once he goes he doesn't know if he'd be able to make it longer than a few months, maybe not even one. Missions are dangerous, the uniform it's not as safe as flying in the safety of thousands of pounds of comet-formed metal Lion ship and the Blade's code is quite disturbing, he'd be dead in a blink. 

 

Truth is, he's scared to death. 

 

 

Shiro was right, they're family now and he's the one to break it, he's the first one to leave and... He doesn't really like this. 

 

 

When it finally snaps before his eyes, he has to stand tall and tell them he had been thinking on it, pretend he's not saying good-bye even when it feels like. He tries to mask this as an useful event, as a small push he had to make in order to get everything to move on smoothly, more than it had been doing. He's putting the mission Voltron is in before everything else, just as he's been told to do with the Blades and he's impressed of how fast he had taken hold of it. 

 

They do see his apology is a bit weak but seem to be moved by his intentions. 

 

When Shiro walks closer to him, Keith secretly wants him to ask him to stay. He wants to hear he doesn't want him to leave, that he's important to them, to him and that they can find a way to make things easier... If the situation was different, if it was Shiro the one wanting to leave, he'd oppose, he'd give Shiro whatever position he held and make everything he could to make him stay. But nothing of it happens. Because Shiro knows he can take his own decisions, that he rarely changes his mind, that this is actually what they need to make things work and move on... Because Shiro faces this objectively, and that's the last of the things why Keith is leaving. 

 

He holds him in his arms and Keith melts, he knows this is as far as he can go and he's already craving more before he finds the strength to accept he has to actually leave that embrace, that place. Something inside of him breaks and the only reason why it doesn't seems to break on the outside it's because the others soon join and squeeze him in a tighter hug.

He swallows it down and walks to the hangar to meet with Kolivan. 

Kolivan doesn't take the ship out as soon as he gets in as he said he would, he waits a bit after Keith has made it to his seat, then they leave the Castle and head to the Blade's headquarters. The trip is silent, it takes long and Keith falls asleep while Kolivan flies the ship to their final destination. By the time they make it through the black holes and into the hangar Keith's already awake. Kolivan stops the ship. He sighs. The next thing Keith can register are strong arms around his shoulders and a big hand supporting his head and guiding it to a hard chest. 

 

They're alone, they're away from Olkarion, he's probably not going back ever again. He just gave up on everything he had and left. And now this... 

 

He breaks. And even when he managed to hold on until they had crossed the Universe, it still feels like most of his pieces were left at the Castle. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new Year, Everyone!
> 
> I have to thank everyone who made it here and a bigger thanks to those who left comments in here, Really, this is for you. Love you.  
> My habit is officially defeated!  
> I'm glad because the story had finally left the second season arc behind and now hopping up to the third one! It's been good to be reliving those past times after what the final season had done... I'm also happy I've finally wrecked Keith with flowers and the promise all HanahakiAU work must show: Blood. Keep an eye on it next time, as someone who loves to pull angst and stretch it as much as possible...I hope to make bigger things on next updates. 
> 
> As always, feel free to comment, keep on commenting if you already had, and hitting that kudos button ♥


	8. In a world full of the word "yes" I'm here to scream...

He's been feeling numb since the moment they left the ship and they got into the headquarters. There are lots of introductions. Another bunch of rules he had already heard when he first went on a mission with Kolivan. Then a brief tour. They stop at what will be Keith's permanent room and then Kolivan keeps on walking with him behind, showing him the places he must be sure Keith's going to forget. Keith feels that himself.

 

He's walking just because he can't stop. He feels like he needs to keep moving or he will crumble with regret and go back to the Castle, and he can't allow himself to do that. He won't let his friends see what he's going to go through, even when he doesn't even know what's that. His only clue is that there will be death on the end of the road, nothing that heads there could be a nice thing to make others witness. Keith keeps on walking, lost in his thoughts as other Baldes walk closer and speak around them, he doesn't even pay attention to what they're saying. He's not even listening to what Kolivan is saying on every stop they make. He sees images, hears sounds but as soon as they move they're gone. 

 

Cafeteria, training halls, comms room, conference halls, laundry. And of course the medic bay. 

 

Kolivan speaks about all the things they can do, he's sure they don't have the same technology as the Castle and that most of the injuries take a longer to get cured but they can manage. They had managed for thousands of years.

 

He just nods, Kolivan sighs and then takes him back to his room. He's not forced to join them to eat if he doesn't want to just yet but Kolivan won't feed him in his room forever, he knows that and he also states it just for the sake of clarity. Keith actually accepts to go with the others, he's disconnected but doesn't feel like being completely alone right now and maybe a table full of voices will make what he's hearing inside on his head to feel less louder. 

After having dinner, Kolivan walks with him again, he hands him a package of the same thing he has been using and when Keith asks him where he can get more Kolivan refuses to tell him and requests him to ask for it instead. Keith frowns and is about to discuss when a cough spasm takes over him and it gets the floor before them  covered with red flowers and a few stains. It's not as painful as before but his body is too tired of this. He gasps for air and rests himself on the wall, his strength to argue is gone.

 

"Try to take the suit off at least a varga a day, you need to breathe naturally." Kolivan suggests kicking the flowers to the side. 

"I can't breathe without this." Keith admits, but they both know it. 

"We'll take care of it. For now, rest. We'll discuss the missions you can be in once your sleep circle is over."

"Mine? What does that mean? Don't you mean tomorrow?"

"Each room can regulate its own cycle time inside. We can't wait for everyone to coordinate the base's cycle. Everyone is ready when needed this way." Kolivan explains. "I'll show you once we're there, you ready?"

 

Keith nods, takes a deep breath and resumes their way. 

 

Operating the room is easy, Kolivan insists on the importance of him identifying enough Galran not only to make his stay in the base easier but to understand how to interact with the ships and the devices they use so often. Keith accepts and just sits in the enormous bed that takes half of the room he will stay in. 

Kolivan stands there, looking at him with a worried expression no frown can mask. He just looks back and his eyes burn again. They don't say a thing more, Keith's silently wondering something he can reply to himself just by looking at Kolivan's gaze. Kolivan nods, looks at the piles of packages Keith had hoarded on top of the only table he has and leaves the room repeating him to rest once again. It doesn't feel like a command. 

 

* * *

 

The Blade of Marmora isn't a place he came to with great expectations. Truth is he's only staying there until he can't move and just fades or however this disease ends. He has seen members give their lives for the missions they're in, and the more he stays like this the more he feels like connecting with that idea. He wants to do something that at least helps a bigger cause. He has never been part of anything before this war, of anything bigger than the connection he has -had- with Shiro, and some times he's convinced that it was beyond compare. 

But war is constant and tangible and Shiro is far away from him, even when he found him.

He didn't expect to make any connection within the ranks, he has known a few members from the missions he had helped them into before, but Kolivan is the only one to look after him most of the times. He's grateful of that but still feels like there's something he's not telling him but the feeling is so vague Keith doesn't even know how to phrase the questions to answer that. 

 

The best he can do is trying to be useful, questioning won't help him to achieve that.

 

Kolivan trains him personally, not only because he claims to have the balance between being considered enough with his condition and pushing his limits to make him improve, but because he cares. It's hard to accept it at first, for both of them, but he does. The way they notice it's just as awkward as the thing itself, but Kolivan's voice drops a few notes and he's soothing Keith's back to make him relax during one of those painful spasms pushing flowers out of his body. Keith looks at him without saying a word and Kolivan does the same. They process it and then Kolivan leaves, taking his time to get himself together. 

It's weird but Keith feels like he needed that. Maybe he won't be able to connect to the other members, but he can feel less lonely with Kolivan's company. 

They spar, they also get to sword combat practice and with a delicate routine to make him improve his speed and agility while being careful with his breathing. He teaches him Galran as promised, enough to interact with the systems they use and the data in the ships they infiltrate and to crack codes; he explains him their organisation's code in deep, with all the different meanings "Knowledge of Death" can hold and how all of their operations work for that sake. 

He also tries to talk to him about his choice on the operation matter and he doesn't push when Keith refuses to talk further about the issue. After all this time Keith finally admits the same thing he did with Sven in the other reality, and just as it happened then he feels his heart ripping and flowers coming out pulling everything he has inside. He's afraid he can't speak further than that, he's sure he wouldn't be able to speak more about it even if he tried to, it was like his body was punishing him from the mere thought of it. 

 

It's already too late to speak.

 

Kolivan seems to be comprehensive in all the levels their own limits allowed them to and Keith appreciates that. 

 

He suggests him to stay away from the communications with the Castle of Lions. It hurts at first but Keith appreciates that too. 

 

* * *

 

 

Most of the missions they're involved in are far away from any sort of land and they just spend their time going form a cold Galra ship to another. Infiltrating fleets rather than exploring planets in most of the cases, trying to find enough information to build a proper context of the quintessence they're trying to track required less active fieldwork than working through different codes and security systems. At least those are the sort of missions Kolivan drags him along to. Some times it feels like they were in some sort of separated plane from the rest of the universe, surrounded by data and not that much life outside the base.

 

It's completely unexpected when he hears about the phenomenon _The Voltron Show_ has became through the galaxies. 

 

One of the members shows up after one of the few missions in land, he walks triumphantly to Keith's seat next to Kolivan at the table and hands him a ridiculous stuffed toy of the Black Lion. He hesitates before actually taking it and the confusion doesn't leave his face as he looks at the Galra sitting beside him and taking his mask off. 

 

"They were performing in the last planet my group visited." He tells Keith, placing the Lion over the table. "It's crazy how people find the time to make this kind of things. These were everywhere." 

"This...Why?"

"Your room is empty, believe it or not all our quarters have our own mark."

Keith doesn't believe it, specially not by the way Kolivan seems to be struggling to keep his face straight. As though this was the most hilarious thing he'd ever seen. And Keith feels exactly that way. 

 

It may be an attempt to cheer him up, and it is just the first one of a series of attempts to in the next months. 

 

 _The Voltron Show_ has been all around the coalition territory, people talked about Voltron before but since these shows started, but it was a legend back then, and the way they now speak of it as some sort of entertainment product gets incredibly crazy. Even some of the blades ask about the personalities the Paladins portray during the shows. Keith hasn't seen a single show, but he can't believe the way they had been reduced to the kind of characters this team members describe to him. Imagining it is ridiculously funny. Hardest part of it is he has to admit he's intrigued by the whole "Shiro the Hero" thing. 

The Blades gift him all kinds of merchandise they find, from posters to small pins, shirts with way too many arm holes and more figures. Of course, most of them are Shiro themed. He can't believe all of this, how they all seem to find a way to detour from their highly strict and dangerous missions just to get a souvenir for him. It somehow feels like an excuse they have to talk to him, members he had never seen before get closer to have a few words, gift him something and even ruffle his hair.

At first he thinks they see him as some sort of pet, he's the littlest of them after all and way too different from any other member they had in their ranks. Then he starts to welcome this without judging, receiving it with the good intentions the gestures come each time. They reaches the point of pausing some of their training to gather together in one of the halls to see the transmission of the last _Voltron Show_. They have a good amount of laughter with their dance-like fight sequences and even more when they confirm the beast Voltron is fighting against it's real. Keith feels a bit worried at first but they handle it pretty well, both the Voltron team and the Blades around him. They all repeat the beast isn't actually harmful for something as big and powerful as Voltron and they joke about how funny the fight is. Keith feels relieved and lets go, thankful for that.

 

Maybe the Blades also needed that, to let go for a while and experiment small generous events without big sacrifices as he has seen them do in the past. Maybe they're genuinely welcoming him, bonding. It warms his chest for a few days, contrasting with the burning sensation every time his body reminds him what he's suffering. It's similar to what the team tried to do back in the Castle, trying to approach but keeping the usual distance. They do the same, they know what he's going through and they only want to make it less stressing. 

 

The more he thinks of it, the more sleep he loses. All this attention makes Keith get nervous. 

 

* * *

 

 

He's learning, he's glad Kolivan still considers him even when he feels slower day by day and it's getting harder to keep quiet his breaking breath. The suit eases the pain but he still finds himself coughing more and more. It doesn't hurt as much, not until the flowers start to come out with a convenient thread of thorns behind. It freaks Kolivan out the first time he sees that. Keith has forgotten the fact roses' thorns are not an obvious fact for someone who has never seen roses before. At least not earthling ones. 

Thorns mean more blood, more pain and less rest, they both know. And he's sure this means Kolivan is _this_ close to open his chest with the blade himself and take the flowers out by force if he has to. Still, he only repeats him they're ready to do it if he wants to anytime and lets the theme die. 

 

Its harder to refuse each day this goes on.

 

Maybe it's just his survival instinct coming out later than it should, maybe it's just that these months living with a bunch of practical Galra has managed to make him consider things like they do, to try and find an utility rather than appealing to sentiment. But it gets harder not to question himself on this matter whenever he finds himself crying and struggling to breathe when he peels himself from the suit as promised. 

 

Blood get's thicker, flowers take forever to come out and the stems kill him over and over again. He cries, he wants to tear his own throat but he knows thorns are already doing that from the inside. He shivers, he pulls them out with his fingers as soon as he can and hurts himself only to end the torture of waiting, struggling and heaving to push them out. Keith ends up vomiting blood and flowers and stems more than once, weak in the floor swallowed by the darkness of the room and his consciousness fading victim of the pain. 

He's been controlling his feelings, holding them in his hand with a strong grip and standing the pain of this for the sake of the joy he felt deep inside. But  that joy seems to slip through his fingers with the distance, joy is only in his memories and it's not the same. His happiness is becoming just a concept while sadness gets rougher and harder to tame day by day.

 

Shiro has always been his closest friend, he's the one he loves and he'd and has done everything for him. Shiro, who showed him support and kindness, who taught him patience and to stand for his beliefs, the one to see potential on him and try to make him reach his best.

Shiro who said goodbye to him as he would to any other acquaintance. Shiro, who never called back, who never asked Kolivan how he was doing even when he saw the state he was in when he left. 

Keith can't stop himself from thinking on that much longer and by the time his mind reaches the surface of that thought, he falls in and drowns even deeper into pain. Hard to admit but there's no other option he can hold to avoid it. 

 

Shiro stopped caring. 

 

He's going to... And he doesn't care.

 

Keith knows he's choosing this, he knows why he decided to stop himself from salvation, but it's the most obvious part what's hurting him to the point of wishing for it all to end. 

 

Galra feel this when they're not loved by the one they love.

 

Shiro doesn't love him. He doesn't even care. 

 

 Before he can calm down and stop himself from falling on that train of thoughts, he ends up with evidence clearer right in front of his eyes. Keith can't stand it anymore, if they're not contacting to him then he could do it himself and end with this, he'd see the team that was supposedly his new family and find the relief he used to feel whenever they tried to approach to him during these entire agony. 

Against Kolivan's firm recommendations and previous ban, Keith manages to stand beside him looking at the last conference he has with the Paladins at the Castle of Lions. He's not allowed to speak and there's not a single chance of the call to extend more than what the strategy matters will make it do it. Keith doesn't mind, he's been tearing himself down for days and the only thing he needs is to see them again. To see him.

 

He notices the way their eyes wander to him at some points of the talk with Kolivan while Keith himself has his eyes glued on Shiro's frame, his stance and all the little things he can see in his face as he speaks. He needed this, he really did. He feels like he could breathe again and the resolution to go on with this finds its way back to his chest. Joy breathes again from the point it seemed to be drowning in and he also manages to take a breath that doesn't kill him.

He tries to ignore the way Lance, Pidge and Hunk seem to whisper something behind Shiro and Allura's backs, he tries to block the way they point and their faces twist to concern and then a bit of fear. He doesn't need to know how they see him, he already knows how much weigh he's lost due to the pain of eating, how he also seems sleep deprived and the lack of color in his skin. There's no need for that and his looks are not the theme of the meeting, he knows and so do they, hence the whispering. 

The operation they're building up is presented as the biggest hit the Coalition could make. After the broadcasting of _The Voltron Show_ the links and rebel movements had rosen and the plan is to secure a fragment of the section enslaved by the Empire, making the Coalition solid in that section and pointing towards an increase on the liberation of the planets around the area. 

They're supposed to take control of two powerful cannons from the Galra and use them to support the plan of Voltron attacking the last planet in the area to be freed: Naxela. They will be working simultaneously with the rebel forces, The Blades will go to the Cannon at the Planet Senfama while the other float goes for the one at Teq, closing the path for any Galra ship that tries to stop their plan. It doesn't sound as complicated as their previous hit with the Teludav, Keith actually feels confident about the results the Blade and Voltron can achieve since he had seen both personally. These thing about the rebel forces is a novelty for him, he had no idea there was such thing operating with the Coalition but whoever wants to help to their cause is for sure welcomed. 

 

Next novelty is to hear about Pidge's brother being back and working with them. 

 

It shouldn't matter, but it does. It buries his fake joy again and lets him with the thought of being meaningless for them. 

 

He makes his best to swallow it down and focus on the mission they have before them. By the time the comms are off, he begs Kolivan to be on that mission. He knows he's stamina is not the best but as long as he keeps the suit and mask, as long as he takes the injectors with him he can make it. And he wants to, he wants to fight with Voltron again. It's just a simple need of connection, the thought of being on the same mission again is already reassuring him and he knows he's been craving for a chance like this since he left the Castle. He has never stopped missing the Paladins, his team. 

 

He has never stopped missing Shiro. 

 

It takes him longer than expected, Kolivan actually snaps at him with worry, he's concerned and shows some signs of valuing his safety, which had never happened before with any other member. Keith insists, his safety is nothing compared to the support he can give to the Coalition. 

He speaks Victory or Death to him, and Kolivan is surprised of it. He stays quiet, looking at him catching his breath after rising his voice to make his point and mask his desperate plea behind his conviction, the way he tries to fight the weakness of his body with the untameable fierce of his desire to protect those he holds dear. 

 

Keith waits, begging his body to hold on and stop any cough at that moment, knowing that if he crumbled down to throw out flowers and blood Kolivan will have enough reasons to lock him in the base instead of taking him with him. 

 

He sees Kolivan swallow and clear his throat with as much discretion as he can pull and then look back at him. 

 

"Fine." 

 

* * *

 

 

There's not a single clear spot inside his lungs. They see the image and Kolivan doesn't say a thing, he only breathes in and sighs out before clearing his throat and leaving the hall with the mission he has to lead as an excuse. Keith stays there, watching at it, comparing it to the very first image he got in the Castle, the clear space on his body and the single and incredibly elusive line of the omen of death he carried inside of his body now. 

Now it is all black. There's no space in there and he can also notice how they're losing the shape they used to had, the borders are getting thinner, there are bumps here and there and the thorns are clear when there's an empty spot to draw the lines. 

 

It's incredible what time has done to his body.

 

It's incredible he's still standing, that he has the chance to see this. 

 

He remembers Kolivan's words and he starts to wonder himself how long does he have left. Vargas. He's sure that's the lapse he has now...

 

He's dead.

 

From the moment he gets into the ship with Kolivan and the rest of the Blades designated for this mission that thought makes its way into his head and stays there, Keith can't stop thinking on it. This is probably the last mission he's in. It's just a hunch, it's not even the first time it happens since he came to the Blade of Marmora, but it sort of feels unavoidable. It's hard to understand it, he woke up feeling rested and better than previous days, mostly like shit but not as bad as other times. 

 

Still, he's sure he's dead.

 

Keith stays close to Kolivan during the flight. He had been trusting Kolivan with this for so long, he feels so alone and right now the only one he feels he's somehow close to is him. Cold, stern, practical... But incredibly understanding. He doesn't have to say a thing, he just turns around and coughs a couple of flowers that leave a trace of blood over his lips he just wipes with his fingers and sighs looking forward. 

 

"I know it's hard, you have the right to be scared." Kolivan tells him and he's sure no one will interrupt them. "I've seen the way you try to swallow the pain, and I know you found the way to get enough painkillers by yourself. You don't need to tell me how much of it you're using right now, it doesn't matter, you need it, I know. I know you think it's worthy, you've been bearing with this because of how strong your feelings are but believe me: nothing's worth more than life. Nothing."

"He is."

 "So are you. Keith, you need to survive, there's no point on coming this far and not doing it." 

"You don't get it, I-"

"I do."

"I just want him to be all right and happy, and I know doing something about this is useless." Keith complains and curls in himself, pulling his knees closer to his chest.

"He can be, and so can you. You would be safe."

 

Yes, safe, but he wouldn't be happy.

 

He swallows down and stays quiet. He doesn't want to go to that corner of his mind but he slowly starts to sink into the happiness he swears he has been feeling choosing over his own well being. He knew it was foolish, that no matter how much you love someone that doesn't mean they're obligated to see that love and give it back. He knows it and still he goes on. He holds on to the memories that made him happy and tries to find the same thing but probably it isn't there anymore. 

It doesn't matter anymore either.

 

They go down into the planet and take down the base as planned. Keith gets the control of the cannon as Kolivan and the others stay in there to provide support and confirm every movement before Keith shoots it. It's going fine, according to plan. They're coordinating their movements with the rebels and now they only need to wait for Voltron to tear apart the base in Naxela.

Turns out the entire planet it's the base. Not only a base but a trap. 

They lose the cannons and the rebels are under attack. They hear everything on their comms excepting one thing, and Keith feels like his heart is about to give up with every second that channel stays silent. The Galra fleets stay away and there's no sign from Voltron... Something doesn't fit.

"Shiro! Guys!" He tries to contact and the lack of response is enough for him to let concern take his mind and move him to action. The cannon is useless anyway so it's better to move straight to where they need support. If there's anything he can do, any difference he can make he should as well make it count. He coordinates with the rebels and change the target of their attack to the fleet instead of Naxela.

He's rushing to one of the ships, not even trying to doble check to contact again, no. He needs to go now, if they're not answering then it means something's wrong and their mission is jeopardised. They're in danger.

 

 Shiro is in danger.

 

Kolivan follows behind him, trying to make him calm down and just take a breath and think before he does something stupid. Keith ignores all that and the only thing he focuses on is making his way into the Galra ship's cabin and trace his course to the area near Naxela.

He gets more information while he flies and stains himself with blood and flowers, Naxela is an enormous bomb that one fo the cruisers on the nearest fleet is detonating. They cannot contact with the cannons to get the shot and nothing's capable of piercing through the barrier of the ship. They keep on trying but time is slipping and there's nothing else they can do. It's critical. The more time it passes the less time Voltron has to leave the area.

He thinks of his teammates there, trapped inside the planet that's going to blow up, or maybe even leaving the trap but not with enough time to escape from the explosion range. He swears he can see Voltron fading into space with the amount of energy the bomb will release, he sees his friends scared and gripping the controls as they try to make it and hope for a miracle. 

 

He can see Shiro, closing his eyes and staying strong fo them. Facing death once again in this adventure, finally getting caught by it...

 

He imagines himself after that... 

 

His hands grip the controls and he speeds up, trying to leave that behind, to avoid that result no mattering the cost. That thought hurts more than each spasm of cough coming afterwards. There has to be another option. That won't happen, not if there's still anything he can do.

 

Keith sees the barrier of the ship. 

 

He sees the flowers on his lap and the stains on his suit. He sees his hands shaking and the reflection of his tortured gaze on the front view of the ship's cabin.

 

Protecting Shiro has been the only thing in his head since the moment he saw him again back on Earth. It has been there for a long while, he had always put Shiro before everything else, before his own safety and sanity. His throat squeezes and he feels something pierce inside his chest, pushing as though it tried to tear him and come out. It only confirms what he's been thinking. 

How many vargas does he has left? How long before the thorns tear his flesh and his love blooms out through his chest? How long before it is over?

The thought of death never felt as heavy as it does now, not even when it took his father, not even when it insisted on showing over Shiro's name, not even when he discovered what was going on with his body. This time it hits him with everything, he feels Death there with him, in the cabin, sitting with him and placing its hands on his, closing his grip on them and making him keep his hands in the controls and push further. He knows he cannot escape, he knows he had never even tried to avoid it but now... There are no options. This time his choice is absolute.

He takes a deep breath, conscious of the pain as his lungs try to expand and take in the air through the wild bush that they host. He closes his eyes and counts the beats of his heart, feeling the emergency lights on the cabin burning on his eyelids as they try to make him change his mind, but nothing can do it.

 

Nothing's worth more than him.

 

He's going to die for him, he always knew... He should at least make it count. 

 

 


	9. NO

They had never expected things to go like that. When picturing the possibilities around what they could do, what could happen so they could save themselves, this had never been on the list.

The Paladins go back to the Castle, still shaking and shocked by the entire situation they just went through. Tension is on the higher peak and they still can’t understand how exactly they ended up in that new circumstance. They left the area, wormholing away and praying for this to be for good. They take their time, they keep the armours on as they leave the Lions on their decks and drag themselves to the Bridge to meet up with Coran.

Sound is distant, lights are too bright, even the sounds of their hearts pierce through their ears more vividly than ever. Matt’s in there as soon as the door opens for them, and he rushes to hold his sister without a single second of hesitation. The others move to sit down while the Holts melt into one another. Coran speaks, fast and intelligibly.

 

Shiro walks to his seat and drops himself in there, he keeps his eyes open but his mind is absent. The only thing that brings it back is Matt’s fearful tone while talking about Keith. He doesn’t say much, he’s physically unable to but that’s enough to make Shiro stand up again and approach to him to try and find an answer to what he’s hearing.

 

Before he can say anything, the Castle’s channel receives a call Coran connects immediately.

 

Kolivan appears on the screen, with his same serious expression but noticeable tiredness on his tone. There’s also a bit of something else but it feels so foreign on him it’s hard to point it.

 

“The Blade of Marmora is relieved all the members of your team are safe and back.” He starts. Shiro looks up at him in silence, just like the others. “However, I need to request something from you, Shiro, and the rest of the team as well.”

 

The way he addresses him apart from the rest of the team worries him, he takes a step forward unable to contain himself, as though doing so he could cut the distance that’s very much immense at that moment. He swallows, feeling his heart kick stronger than ever in his ears. He has a feeling about this, a bad one.

 

The way Kolivan talks, the way Matt sounded full of panic when they got there.

It all can only be connected to one thing and he’s getting anxious.

Kolivan speaks, not even waiting for a reply before the comms go off again. They’re left with a message that more than a request feels like a warning. A threat.

 

Shiro doesn’t understand but he feels the last traces of strength leave his body and he needs to sit down. He feels the air is thinner and he needs to close his eyes to stop his mind form running in circles, but it is too late. His mind repeats Kolivan’s voice over and over, trying to find a meaning to it and still afraid to find it.

 

 

_“Please do not intend to contact with Keith, and do not talk about your relationship ever again given that he’s going through recovery from a heavy procedure. The Blade of Marmora will appreciate your cooperation.”_

 

 


End file.
